TITLE: INTERGALACTIC
GENRE: YA Pop Space Opera
On the first stop of their 12-planet tour, IdoLL and the Intergalactics don't get the reception IdoLL had hoped for...
“Why didn’t you warn me?” says IdoLL.
“About what?” Monkey settles into a pillow on the floor with his AIP juice and pops one open by poking a finger through the top. He holds his finger there, like a thick metal straw, while he drains it. “I never have any idea what will amuse or annoy you.”
“Okay, let’s make a list.” IdoLL paces the room and counts on her fingers. “Being denied my one and only personal guard equals annoying. Having an alien queen maul my face to take my temperature, annoying. And when the snaky bitch locks me in an underground waiting room without my repair kit? Uber, uber annoying.”
“Complaining will not change our circumstances.”
“And philosophical Monkeybots, add that to the list!”
Monkey’s face contorts, but he says nothing. He finishes his juice, withdraws his finger and crushes the can against the side of his head.
“Debop!” Debop says with a frown, folding three tentacles under his round face.
“I’m not going to apologize,” IdoLL falls back into a pillow. A surprisingly comfortable pillow. She prods at it with a finger. “It’s his job, you know, to be our ambassador.”
“Cultural liaison.” Monkey pokes a finger into the next can.
“Whatever.” IdoLL punches the pillow, hard, and a seam bursts, sending shiny miniscule particles into the air like fairy dust. “I wish Garrison was here.”
“Why? So that diplomatic genius could fix everything?”
“No, so I could strangle him.”
What?! This is so cool!
ReplyDeleteBelieve it or not, I've watched a Pop Space Opera before (Macross) so I wondered, before reading this, how you meant by the genre.
I understand this is pulled from the story, so a lot of the things that might be considered "confusing" are integrated through worldbuildling earlier on, like that Debop probably always yells "Debop!" at random intervals.
In any case, the dialogue is believable and engaging. "Uber" is an outdated word now, so be careful of that. (At least, we never said it in college a year ago). It's a recognizably outdated word, like if IdoLL said "Dude."
I don't know why I'm commenting. I have nothing worthwhile to say. I just read this and got excited. I would definitely read more.
#47
I liked this. EVen being dropped in the middle, I had a good sense of what was happening and who your characters were, and the dialgue does more than impart information. It also shows character. Nicely done. My only suggestion would be to lose 'Uber.' It'll date your story.
ReplyDeleteI liked the last two lines. They showed character/voice.
ReplyDeleteI felt a lot of the actions in this were not necessary and I would've liked them to interact with their environment more. If it wasn't for one of the characters saying they were in a holding cell or something, I never would've caught that. Even so, I think the holding cell could be shown so the conversation could be grounded.
It's a good dialogue between the characters, definitely telling us a lot about them and their relationship. A few notes:
ReplyDelete-I'm not sure he's popping it open, if he just sticks his finger through the can.
-I'd replace "equals" with a comma right away.
"It's his job" is a little vague, at least in this excerpt.
-Monkey's final line is a little clunky.