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I think you need to make this more character-driven - it sounds very impersonal this way. Try using at least the analyst's name (if not the mentor's as well) and give a clue as to their relationship. Why is this scheme so important and detrimental?
I like how you set up the stakes here. The main thing I'm left wondering about is WHY. Why would the analyst risk all this? And I also think "devious scheme" is too vague. I think you can drop the "to practice."
I think you could up the stakes if you said why the mentor was asking for help. I agree with the comment above that you don't need "to practice."
I am trying to figure out why she is willing to risk all that? What does she stand to gain if she exposes this scheme? She needs a motivation beyond her mentor asks for help, I think.When Sally's mentor requests help to save her grandchildren's college fund from an embezzler's scheming fingers, she digs deep, risking hundreds of people's jobs, her mentor's reputation, and her own forensic analyst license. (Is that a thing?)
Everything here is too vague - I have no sense of if she is doing this as part of her job or just on the side.Also,is the fact that the mentor asked for her help really that important? That sounds more like backstory to me. And honestly, the threat of her causing hundreds of people's jobs isn't that big of a stake for me. What are her personal stakes here?Good luck!
You're showing the things she could lose, but it's feeling a bit laundry listy since we don't know WHY she's forced to risk these. Who is the embezzler? We need it to feel more personal so we can really care about the character. It sounds like an interesting story, but the stakes don't feel immediate, or clear.
This took me a minute because I usually associate forensic analyst with dead bodies and other violent crimes. I don't really associate embezzlers with violence other than incidental side effects. Like the other commentators, what is at stake?
I think a forensic analyst is a great idea for a main character; however, I don't know anything particular about her. Also, what's in it for her? Why does she risk so many things to expose an embezzler's scheme?
The title is great - pulled me in immediately. Please give an identity to your character - a name and a trait, something specific so we get a sense of who is this person. Not just a job because the job is common enough. It's your specialist who is, well, special. Show us how, even in the logline.
I agree with the comment that said we need more "why?" It seems like a stretch to think that a forensic analyst exposing an embezzler should risk anyone's job or her license.
I agree with the others that all was well until I saw that she was doing all this to defeat...an embezzler? Really, all that for an embezzler? Doesn't seem like high enough stakes.
I think this needs to be more specific. Help with what? What kind of scheme? We also need to know what she has to lose here. It sounds like the stakes belong to her mentor, not her and we need to feel like she HAS to do this. Do they have a relationship or is she just being nice?Good luck!Holly
I think you need to state the mentor's reason for this to happen. Will affect his llife? His profession? hHis family? And why does his protegee wnat to help? Give a provocative reason.
Hundreds of people will lose their jobs because of the activities of one embezzler? And what is the mentor's interest here? There's probably a good story here but the logline doesn't reveal it.
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