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I'm a little lost on the stakes here, and I think that's because I have no idea why she would want to go to Slanu.
I agree. I think I could wait on finding out why the Wanderling is pursuing Katie, but I have no idea why a dead person would want to go to a hidden kingdom--unless she's some sort of purgatory state, and Slanu is fully "crossing over"?
Agree. I think you need to be clearer in the first sentence that she's trapped there BECAUSE she hasn't come to terms with her own death. And then second sentence you explain that she needs to resolve this quickly or suffer X fate at the hands of the (more descriptive explanation than nefarious, which just means 'evil') Wanderling.
Thank you so much for your comments! Do you think this would work better?"Lost in purgatory and seeking entrance into the gates of heaven, sixteen-year-old Katie must complete the five stages of grief or risk capture by the elusive Wanderling and be damned to darkness forever."
I do like that a lot better, though 'complete the five stages of grief' makes it sound like a video game.Boss #1: Denial*Katie shoots Denial*Denial: Actually, you missed.Katie: No way, I shot you right in the face!Denial: Nuh-uh!
I like your re-write much better. Maybe: "Katie must face her unresolved grief to avoid capture by..."
I, too, like the rewrite. I'm not too scared by 'elusive,' though. Is there a spookier description for the Wanderling you can use?
The re-write is much better but it would be even stronger if you showed why these five stages of grief will be difficult to complete.Good luck!Holly
I think some questions to answer in this pitch are: what does the Wandering want from her? (why she needs to escape) and why does she need to reach Slanu? What awaits her? Best of luck to you!
Just saw the re-write; that's much better, but I do agree on clarifying the stages of grief. I think it's almost there!
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