TITLE: SOMNILOQUY
GENRE: YA Supernatural
I eyed my pillow like an enemy. Which is crazy, because sleep shouldn’t be a battle. But after five bad nights, that’s exactly what it was. What kept me fighting was the fear that I would wake up wandering in the house again or, even worse, strolling the grounds in my pajamas.
Shifting on the window seat, I turned to stare out at the gardens and the flat green lawn surrounding Heraldsgreen House. It was after eleven, but it was still light enough to see the huge chestnut trees twitching in the wind. In Memphis, it would have been dark by now, but June nights in Scotland were so short.
A huge yawn fought its way past my clenched jaw and fogged the glass. No matter how many books I nodded into or songs I blasted through my headphones, I couldn’t stay awake forever. Sooner or later, I was going to lose.
Giving up, I folded the massive wooden shutters across the window. With that familiar feeling of dread, I crawled beneath the covers and wrapped the blanket tight around me, hoping it would keep me there all night.
The sound of screaming woke me.
“Abby! What are you doing?” My father’s frantic voice cut through my screams.
“What…?” I was standing next to the window by the great room fireplace. The dusty blue velvet curtains were bunched in my hands and crumpled at my feet. Above me, the heavy wooden curtain rod dangled from one screw, the rest ripped out of the wall.
Hmm. I felt slightly disoriented reading this. After the first paragraph, I thought the MC was in her room getting ready for bed. But the 2nd para she's on a window seat elsewhere in the house.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I was initially reading this as the MC was fighting to fall asleep, not fighting to stay awake... so you may want to make that clearer sooner, since it could go either way right now.
Otherwise your sentence level writing is strong, and you end on a provocative note. I want to know why she's sleepwalking, why she's screaming etc.
I like the concept of sleep as a battle, especially when it's a character who has to stay awake, but I wasn't compelled by this opening. I think it either needs a stronger sense of the main character, or more tension and anxiety in the MC's struggle to stay awake.
ReplyDeleteI agree. The idea of the pillow being the enemy is a good first line, but nothing about this hooks me. This character has a hard time sleeping, has a nightmare. It doesn't hook me and make me want to read more. Why is your character having problems? That may be a better place to start then with the nightmare.
ReplyDeleteI was a little confused by this opening. For three sentences I thought she was in bed, staring at her pillow, trying to go to sleep. The fourth makes me think she doesn't want to go to sleep.
ReplyDeleteThen we find her on the window seat, which I understood to be in her bedroom. It took me a moment to realize she had been there all along.
o Consider starting your establishing shot with her on the window seat eying her pillow across the room. She can still turn to look out the window, but the reader already understands where she is at.
o Consider having her fight to stay awake, rather than mentioning sleep in the second sentence. Again it makes her intent more clear.
o Have a look at your modifiers, "huge chestnut tree", "huge yawn", "massive wooden shutters" and find something perhaps a little more to suit the mood you're trying to create. Different more interesting modifiers might help create more tension.
Your writing style is pretty clean, but a little mundane. You can hook the reader with scenery, but it needs to be interesting scenery.
First of all, I love that Scotland is your setting! I studied abroad there so I know how short those nights are. :)
ReplyDeleteI do agree with the others about the first few paragraphs being a bit disorienting. I also agree that maybe you can start off by setting the scene a little more clearly - establish where your narrator is, what she is doing, etc. before jumping into her thoughts so that we're there with her in the moment.
However, I am really intrigued by Abby's struggle to sleep and her strange bouts of unconsciousness, and I definitely want to know what's going on with her!
I love that Scotland is your setting, too. And the fact that your MC came from Memphis is also unique so brownie points on location. I do worry, however, that your first 250 feels a tad stagnant (starting with the MC in bed is always risky b.c agents may think 'oh, no not another waking up scene') and not much happens until the 'scream.' Like Bluestocking, I did feel disoriented...I thought Abby was awake, but then the scream startled her awake.
ReplyDeletePlus, 'massive wooden shutters' and 'dusty blue curtains'--> you might get nailed for overuse of adjs.
The excerpt didn't confuse me. I get the feeling she tends to sleepwalk, and she's scared to go to sleep for that reason. But she finally does go to sleep and ends up ripping the curtains in her sleep. The screaming wakes her.
ReplyDeleteMy concern is mainly this - The parents seem really shocked by what she did. But surely they know she sleepwalks? It would be strange (unless she doesn't normally live there) for them to not know. So the screaming seems odd and too dramatic. I actually thought she had sleepwalked into the parents' bedroom with a knife and was about to murder them.
I wasn't confused by your opening. I immediately felt sympathy for your character, and I think there's a good amount of tension.
ReplyDeleteMy only suggestion would be to eliminate the scream. I wouldn't expect a sleepwalker to do that.
I'd definitely read on. Good luck!
The first line is strong, and I like the first paragraph overall. The issue might be that the same "can't sleep" theme is continued for several more paragraphs, and that's what drags the pace. I bet condensing those intial three, then move on to the action, will make this read stronger. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteI think you've got a decent start and there's some good stuff here, but I agree with a lot of the comments others made. A character waking up to start a story is a huge cliche - I like the idea of fighting to stay awake instead of falling asleep, that could maybe work?
ReplyDeleteI think you should start with the part where she wakes up after sleep-walking. As it is, it didn't hook me.
ReplyDeleteI loved the opening line. However, I think the following paras need some work. I agree with the others who comment that you spend too many lines describng fighting sleep, it detracts from the overall flow, and is a little confusing, because it is ultimately a pointless task.
ReplyDeleteIn Abby's shoes I would be thinking strategically about keeping safe at night, eg, attaching bells to the door to alert others of a nocturnal wander. This would make her come across as a little more proactive, and would show the reader she was in her room, as there was some confusion about her location.
There is an error in the first line: There shouldn't be a period after "enemy". The sentence starting with "which" is a thought process and should be enclosed in parenthesis. As is, it is wrong because "But after five bad nights..." is a connection of the first sentence; to put a full stop implies it is seperate and that is not the case.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the use of "but" so close together in the second paragraph (and with the same sentence structure, no less) is bad writing. You can either change the variation of the sentence or remove one of the "buts".
The first paragraph is a strong way to open the book. Funny idea, followed by immediately addressing a problem.
ReplyDeleteAs far as line editing suggestions, I'd add "since it was so far north" to the end of the 2nd paragraph--otherwise people might not understand the detail.
I want to read more--I like the writing, and want to find out what she's capable of doing while sleepwalking.
Thank you so much to our Secret Agent and to everyone who left a comment.
ReplyDelete