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This reads more like an excerpt than a logline. While it is intriguing, it doesn't tell me who he is and what the story is about.
Too long. Suggest you get down to the nuts and bolts and eliminate at least half.
I agree with the other two commenters and the editor - this is not a logline. I don't think it would even qualify as a back-of-the-book blurb. The reason I read it (though I skimmed everything after the first line) is because the title and genre piqued my interest.
Yep, not a logline. Try again to tell us what the story is about. Good luck.
Yes, you're right. Can I blame NyQuil for fuzzling my brain-box? Will see if I can fix this. Thanks.
So I was a little thrown off by the two young men looking for romance from a boy and girl (I assume Keegan is gay and this is not a "problem" but I can't tell). We also need more information about what comes next. Are they trying to beat/escape/free the ghosts? Will this romance prevent them from doing so? Good luck!Holly
I'm with Holly, I think you tried to do it with "his grandmother's" but it's an unexpected enough situation that you need to clarify that one of these characters is a boy who is interested in other boys. (man/men? Not really sure what "late bloomers" is supposed to convey age-wise.) And, yeah, conflict, stakes, decision to make, blah, blah, blah. Need an idea of the plot, not just the setup.
I don't think this logline works. Try tightening it up by answering in a short way:1. Who is the main character and what does he/she want? 2. Who (villain) or what is standing in the way of the main character? 3. What makes this story unique?
I love your title! Like others have said, the logline needs to convey more of what's at stake entice me to want more.
Who is the "his" in your first sentence? I assume Keegan and Amelia are both females? You don't have a goal or stakes in this logline, and I'm not sure who the main character is.
You have set up a situation, but there's no problem or goal. WHat does Keegan want? Why can't he have it?
Sounds cute, but I think I need to hear more about the conflict in the story.
I don't know who the MC is. I'm assuming it's Keegan. If it is, maybe start with something like: Keegan moves into his grandmother's house with his girlfriend Amelia (just guessing on the relationship) hoping for _______ but __________.I don't understand how the two young men mesh with the story. Are they rivals for Keegan's or Amelia's affection? Foils for Keegan's stunted romantic development? Because of the ghostly undertones, I wasn't even sure if they were human. Maybe try to tell us how these characters matter to whatever Keegan wants?
1. Great title2. Has this entry changed since it was first posted? Otherwise, I don't understand the first few comments.3. I agree that "he" in the first sentence (Keegan?) needs clarifing.4. I also agree about increasing (or just describing) the stakes.5. I need to post my critiques more quickly so all my comments don't start with "I agree about."
The use of "his" in the first sentence threw me. I had to re-read to remember which one would be "his." I'm not wild about two "unprepareds" even though you're doing it for effect.
sorry, comment above was me. Fat fingers.
The romance thing threw me. I guess Keegan is gay? You need a sentence that shows conflict. What are they trying to do? What does the gust want? Why do two guys stumble upon a guy and a girl and one happens to be and the other heterosexual? That seems too coincidental. Just needs to get to the heart of the matter. Good luck!
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