TITLE: Expelled
GENRE: YA Paranormal
A reluctant teenage exorcist-in-training must learn to stand on her own in order to fight the demon that claimed her mother.
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21 comments:
The ambiguous "learn to stand on her own" is where you lose me. That could mean anything, from something mind-blowing to the mind-numbing.
I also am confused at the phrase "learn to stand on her own." This is short and snappy so I think you could definitely expand a bit on what you mean by that. That will also help this story's unique qualities become more evident.
What do you mean stand on her own? Her legs don't work? Back away from metaphor and say what you mean.
Why does she have to stand on her own? Can't the person training her help, or is she the only one who can destroy the demon? Make sure we know the stakes, 'cause right now there aren't any.
In addition to making "stand on her own" clear, you need to tell us what happens if she fails. What does she have to lose?
Good luck!
Holly
I like this, but in danger of jumping on the bandwagon, "standing on her own" is a little cliche. I'd also like to know what stands in her way. This may provide a hook to your logline.
I love that this is short and sweet, but I do think there is room to expand in the places mentioned above. With that said, a teenaged exorcist??? I'm ALL over that! Lol Sounds awesome!
Oh, you're good at the one liner! But the others have it right on the "stand on her own". Just a little tweak and this will be awesome.
I agree with GSMarlene--just a little tweak and it's awesome. Can't wait to see the first 250 in the auction part.
This is short and punchy. I like it, but it could benefit from removing the vagueness and being more specific.
I like the economic use of words, as well, but I agree that 'stand on her own' could be defined in terms of your story--'fight without back-up,' 'stop depending on her boyfriends,' whatever.
'Reluctant' makes this sound very fun.
Okay, good start, but
need to know:
her goal
her conflict/obstacle
what happens if she fails
I concur with what the others say, but if you post a revision in the comments section, tweet me @SJSchmitt and I'll take another look!
I like the exorcist-in-training concept! Never heard that one before. But the log line is really vague. What exactly is her conflict? Can you be specific?
Looks like you received helpful feedback. Ditto. I liked "reluctant" too - keep that and spice it up with action verbs and define her nemesis.
Was hoping there was a bit more to this. Need more specifics to make reader care. I like the reluctant bit.
Good luck.
Succinct with a great concept that hooks you!
I think this is really good, but agree with the others about the 'must' part. As it is, I'd definitely read more.
Great stuff! The "stand on her own" worked for me, as she's now without her mother. Nice job.
I agree about "stand on her own."
This description sounds a lot like Anna Dressed in Blood (a great book!), so use your extra space to show us how it's different.
WHy does she 'have' to fight the demon? Is she out for revenge? And - the demon that 'claimed' her mother - perhaps use a stronger word. Did he kill her? Steal her soul? Give us a few details.
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