TITLE: Listening In The Snow
GENRE: Middle Grade Fiction
In the deep of a dark Vermont winter, eleven-year-old Nathan Hayes, a shy stutterer, breaks into the long-abandoned Specter house, willing to brave its legendary ghosts in order to find the magic he believes will bring his mother home.
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18 comments:
This is more of a pitch than a logline but it has everything it needs. I would recommend you give "the magic" a more specific punch.
Good luck!
Holly
This immediately hooked me. I agree, it does have everything that's needed. And it made me care for the boy, and root for him(probably cause I'm a mom, too.)
Yes, I like this one, too. I like that it is short, yet packs so much into it.
I think you can lose the first phrase. The Vermont winter doesn't matter and everything in a logline should matter. I'm not sure why shy-stutterer should matter. It's presented as if it's part of the stakes. But that would mean it would have to naturally be a handicap in facing the challenge. You can be a shy stutterer around other people and still be the kind of person who likes to go off and seek thrills like ghosts. That weakens the stakes considerably. Now the "willing to brave..." to the end is great. Make the lead-in to that really lead in to it and give it a punch.
drop the shy stutterer, as they're not necessary, and I think you've got this.
I would keep the Vermont winter as that establishes setting. Also shy stutterer let's us in on his character so I'm not sure if you should cut that either. I don't think it trips you up. I do think you should get specific about the magic. And you still have plenty of room. Great job!
Love this. I wonder if the "Specter" house reference is needed as I don't know what that is. Maybe just "long-abandoned house".
Make the magic more specific...like a magic ring or book. Otherwise I like it.
This one is a keeper! It's concise, establishes a great character, and paints a nice picture. Well done.
I like this just the way it is, but I wouldn't say no to a tiny bit more detail about the magic.
I really like this. I would leave Vermont winter and shy stutterer because 1.) it reveals the setting (cold and snowy, perfect creepy settings) and 2.) it tells me he is quite and probably a loner.
"Willing to brave" lets me know he says goodbye to his shyness in order to help his mother.
I like it and would read more.
I like this one! I agree with the 'magic' comments, but honestly, I wouldn't have thought that if I didn't hear someone else say it.
Yes! I like this- all of it! the deep dark winter is immediately creepy and i get a clear picture of nathan with his stutter and i must find out where his mother is and how he's going to bring her home! good work!!
LOVE THIS! Keep Vermont, keep the stutter, and keep it as is--you've got my vote!
This has my tick of approval too. It created a great image in my head and made me want to read more. I wouldn't change anything - I think the illusiveness of what the magic might be and why his mother is missing add to the intrigue.
This is just lovely. I agree with Ink in the Book and Bonnie for all the reasons Ink stated. Beautiful how just a few words gave setting, character and a touching hint of bravery. Specter is great, showing a touch of literary. I wouldn't dare enlarge on the magic and risk losing such a fragile, perfect creation.
I like the dark Vermont winter because it gives us a taste of your writing style, and adds an eerie tone to the log line.
I think we need to know where Mom is or what happened to her. Was she taken away by ghosts? Did she die and he wants to bring her back to life?
And why would the ghosts try to stop him? Why have they taken his mother? What do they need her for?
ANd why make him a stutterer? Is it important to the plot? ANd if it is, show or hint at that connection in the log line. DOes he have to overcome his stuttering in order to save his mom? Will he have to recite some complicated spell?
I really like this but would like to know about the magic he wants to find and why he believes it will bring his mother home. But all in all, I think it's really well done!
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