TITLE: Ghost River
GENRE: Paranormal Mystery
If God had meant for humans to live on water, we would have fins like Aquaman and hair that doesn’t frizz.
And since I had neither, I wasn’t getting out of my car.
Then the wailing started.
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28 comments:
Haha I love it. I have conflict, attitude, and a little 'common-sense fear' that I just love, right off the bat. MAN I would totally read on.
I like the first two sentences. Maybe instead of saying the waiting started, show her actually waiting so we can see how she feels.
I'd still be reading...but not a fan of the wailing.
Sort of intrigued and sort of put off.
I think the wailing comes too soon, because you haven't yet told us WHY your MC refuses to get out of the car. The first line makes it sound like it's just his/her vanity... and if that's the case, I would stop reading here. I don't want to spend the next 300 pages with someone so shallow.
I'd read on. I like the humor, and want to know what causes the wailing.
No, simply because I get the impression this is mer-folk para, and it's not my thing.
The wailing is intriguing, though.
First two lines: awesome! Very hooked. However, the line about the wailing jarred me. I think it needs a little more preamble.
Love the tension! I'd read on, although the wailing needs to be explained very soon.
Still love it. My only suggestion is to drop the "And" at the beginning of the second sentence. Try it. You'll like it :)
I don't think this was my cup of tea the last round. But I would read a few more lines to see what the wailing was. If it wasn't important wailing, I'd probably skip the book.
I love the first two sentences. The wailing threw me a bit, coming in there so out of the blue. A lot would depend in the next sentence.
But I do like this one.
I think you've got great voice and an interesting setup, which is why I also think you don't have to rush so much. As several others have suggested, you might try slowing down and letting the scene build naturally on its own. You have a great thing going, so you really don't have to make us read;)
Ha! Like it. Like the voice. First line: attitude. Second: Resolute decision. Third: the Nudge. :)
I LOVE those first two lines, and wanted just a bit more about you MC before the wailing line. That said, I'm intrigued enough that I'd keep reading.
I loved the first line, the second follow-up was fun, but by the third line I was really wanting some grounding and setting -- who, what, where. If this follows the third sentence, I would definitely read on. This sounds fun.
You already made me laugh. I would read on to see what happens. Good job!
Waiting doesn't create tension for me. If you gave us a hint at what makes this particular waiting exciting, I might read on. Otherwise, I would stop here.
I like the voice. I'm a bit of a sucker for a snarky MC, even if I don't necessarily like the genre. I'd probably keep reading.
I like it! I don't think I was crazy about this first line, when I read it without the second and third, but all three together really draw me in. I like the contrast of your first funny line, with the wailing that comes at the end.
I would read more. Second line had me laughing. Third line had me wondering what was coming next.
I love the voice, and the second line (although the And isn't needed; you can nix and it reads stronger). The third line is almost there, but it seems like that would work better after a more elaborate set-up. When you start out punchy, a bunch of punchy lines kind of lose their effect. The wailing could be described and it would be a good place to add in some character interaction; how does your character react to the wailing? Does she grip the door handle? Cover her ears? Wail back?
I'd keep reading to see where this leads.
I like the first two lines but the third doesn't fit. You can't have a "then..." without a preceding action and you have none. Perhaps try something like, "But when the sound of wailing..." or something like that.
Good luck!
~Holly
exactly! awesome first line!
I like it very much.
yes! loved your first line from the very beginning, and maybe the wailing is a little abrupt, but nothing could stop me from reading on! good job!
i'm a sucker for paranormal and read more of this in the secret agent contest. am definitely intrigued.
Thank you one and all for taking time to read this and for being so nice! I've already removed the "And" from the second sentence (good call, writers!) and the wailing isn't what you think.
It is explained in that paragraph, in the very next sentence. Not sure why I have such huge breaks between lines. The formatting and I didn't get along, I guess!
To my fellow writers with "humidity-challenged" hair, I feel your pain!
Good voice, I like it. I'd read on.
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