TITLE: BEANBLOSSOM VERSUS BOMBASTIC BANDITS
GENRE: MG Mystery
Up until that fateful Friday the Thirteenth, Jacob Beanblossom’s claim to fame had been the ability to fart on cue. But that was about to change.
Jacob dragged Old Man Fudgewick’s bratty Pomeranian, Special Fella, down Main Street and toward Madame LeChance’s Psychic Palace.
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28 comments:
I would totally keep reading! I'm curious why Jacob's claim to fame is going to change, and I want to know what happens when he reaches the Psychic Palace.
AAAAAH too many names! My eyes glaze over.
However, I think here it might work, just because the names are really really funny. It might be safer to introduce the Pomeranian's name when Jacob talks to it--"look Special Fella, stop being so bratty"--not like that obviously.
This is fun but getting a little over the top. I agree with Petre Pan that it might be better choice to ease reader into some of the details through dialogue.
I think it would work better if you cut the first two sentences and started with the last one. That way, you're starting the story in the story, instead of telling the reader what's about to happen, and it's way more interesting (to me) than someone losing the ability to fart on cue.
I really like the world you're building here, and I LOVE the first sentece. But the third sentence is just too jam packed with people and places for me to follow. Break it up a bit?
Still interesting, but I'm lost in the sea of names. Cut a bit, if you can.
Yes, but you're giving us too much info. Cut the Pomeranian's name and cut out the Main Street reference. Less info overload and more situational punch.
This might sound like a weird nitpick, but all the proper nouns are driving me crazy--too many capital letters! I agree with the other commenters. We don't need all those names right up front; you can weave them in as you go. There's a lot of whimsical characterization here, which fits the genre, so great job on that.
(Okay, apparently, I can comment on these.)
I would read more to see where it goes. The world seems fun and imaginative, but there were a few too many proper nouns in the first few sentences.
Great voice but too many names.
Seems over-the-top, like maybe you're trying too hard to be funny. I'd keep reading, though!
I love the voice. But the first and second paragraphs need a segue.
The second sentence feels a bit redundant. You already told us it was changing with the "up until..." That's not such a big deal, though, as the rapid-fire names in the third sentence. Wow. Hold your horses there and let me catch up.
Oh, this sounds interesting! I think my sons of the target audience age would definitely read on. :)
So great. First and second lines utterly hooked me. The third was really interesting, but I was a bit adrift -- there were a lot of names and capitalised things. Maybe I'm a bit dim, but that always throws me.
I would definitely read on. This sounds like real fun.
This book sounds like so much fun. Good luck!
Working too hard in the third sentence, but I still love it!
Haha! I love this exactly the way it is. All of the names crack me up. If you ever need a crit partner, look me up because I'd love to read this!
This would toally hook a middle grader... I really wouldn't worry about what any adult has to say (except of course agents, ha!) about the first two lines. You will hook a MG kid with "Friday the Thirteeth" and "fart."
But I agree the the third sentence has too many names to keep track of.
Good luck!
This would hook a MG reader, and it hooked me. I'd suggest tightening it up a bit. The third sentence has a lot of names all at once, which could get a bit overwhelming, but overall I thought the tone and voice were great for a MG book.
The third line kind of took me out of it (and yes, those names, too), but I would probably continue to read because that first line still grabbed me.
For some reason, I hear the first two lines in my head as being read by the voice actor who reads the gritty teaser trailers. Anyway, the MS has a great voice- very fun and funny. I do agree about going cross eyed on the third sentence and its string of names, however. I'd read on regardless!
I agree that there are too many names for 3 sentences but I do like the voice.
Good luck!
~Holly
This is a great first line for a MG novel. It's target audience will love it. However, the last line is toooo messy. We don't need all the names. "Pomeranian" is plenty (You can slip in the name later.) You can even call it the Psychic Palace. That's more than enough.
Good luck.
All is great except for the third sentence. Too much, too many capitals. Splitting it up would work better.
great beginning for mg! a little too wordy on the third line, but i like the names so not sure... i'd read on for sure!
quite vivid with a lively voice. would definitely keep reading.
The third sentence has a lot of names to wade through. Maybe you could cut or move some of them to a later spot?
Too many names.
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