TITLE: VERITAS
GENRE: YA Sci-fi
I race past door after door until they blend into the white walls.
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66 comments:
Yes. Strikes me as an original way to describe running down a hall -- enough to make me read on.
Yes. I like the description and the voice. I also want to know why the MC is running.
Yes. It shows promise - why is the character running past a bunch of doors? why are the walls white? Makes me think of a psych ward and then I want to know more.
No. I am a little bit lost in this sentence. I don't entirely understand what's happening.
No. I want to be more invested in the character, not just see an action they are taking. Think about adding in a thought or emotion as they are taking this action.
NO. I feel lost.
No. Makes no sense.
No: I get it but it's a little bland
Yes. I like the description and want to know why the MC is racing and why there are so many doors. Though I'm hoping it's not a dream.
Yes... but I'd need something more than a description of setting very soon.
No. Since I don't know who your narrator is, I don't really care about why they are running.
No. I don't know who they are or why they're running.
No.
Confusing. I guess I get what you're trying to say, but it doesn't come across easily. Not to me, at least.
No. Feel like you're telling me something I should already know about and I don't.
No, it's just a bit meh for me.
No. It tells me what's happening to your character, but not your character's state of mind about it.
No. First of all, if the doors are blending into the walls, how does he see them? Second, if he's really racing, he doesn't have time to watch the walls and doors.
No. I'm not intrigued by someone running -- I'm intrigued by what they're running FROM.
No. The words don't invite me to read more.
No. It only describes the setting, and that's a bit bland.
Yes. I can make it to the next sentence to see why.
Yes, its a good description and sets up the fleeing/chase nicely.
Yes, its a good description and sets up the fleeing/chase nicely.
Yes
I like the imagery and I'm interested in why he or she is running.
Yes, but just barely. I'd be REALLY hooked if I knew whether 'I' was fleeing or racing to something.
No. Not grabbing me.
No. I'm not pulled in. I want to know more about what the character is feeling not so much about what he/she's seeing. Just me though.
No. Too generic. What makes this MS different than any other book that starts with the character pursuing or being pursued?
No, it just didn't pull me in. Seems like we've been dropped into the middle of an important scene without knowing the characters or why we should care.
Yes, although the "door after door" repetition isn't my favorite. But I would keep reading.
Yes, but on the fence. I would like one more bit of information about the hallway itself. This is Sci-Fi - so where is the MC? Where is the hallway? Why are there enough doors that our MC can run by so quickly that they become blurred?
If there's one more descriptive thing that you can fit in, I'd make it something that truly jumps out as different.
Space ship? A never-ending hallway? A jail? I think that little bit could really make this pop.
No, I'm not really feeling it and am not pulled in.
No - too much detail before I am grounded.
No. Maybe it's the POV.
No. I can't get a clear visual of this. Is he/she running? The word "race" throws me off. For doors to blend into white walls implies traveling much faster than running. :/
No. It just didn't grab me. Not enough information, I guess.
No. The image would be good if the sentence conveyed it well, but it wasn't strong enough to evoke it for me.
No.
As someone who just was subjected to the opening of Total Recall where they beign in the middle of action (as we are told to do) I think everyone should go see that beginning to see what an epic fail it can be - no context, no knowledge of who is who or what's happening. Makes me rethink this fetish we have for opening with action - and why oh why can't we ease into a story any more?
No, feels like I'm thrown into the middle of a scene rather than starting at the beginning, and the writing doesn't have enough voice to draw me in.
No. This sounds like there should be some emotion attached to it that it's missing.
No. Partially because it gives me very little to work with, and partially because I have a personal bias against present tense novels. I don't know why, it just rarely works for me.
No. I get that the character is running, but since I don't know if they're running to something or from something or what, I feel the stakes are absent.
Yes. Your description brings with it a clear picture to the reader's mind.
No. Running in hallways doesn't do it for me--I need a motive, or a feeling, or a really interesting hallway.
No. Great action, but no conflict. Maybe just a little more info. Or emotion first, then action.
Yes, it is intriguing.
Yes. I'm curious as to whether she's just running really fast, or whether there is a power/ability or other sci-fi reason behind it.
No. First person present tense annoys me.
No. There's action, but I don't know what the action means to the main character.
No. I don't know why she's running, so I don't know how to feel about it. She could be running laps or carrying an important message or fleeing a monster. Unless she's doing something boring, she's unlikely to notice the way the doors blend into the walls.
No. Not enough here for me to know what's going on. Maybe if there was a hint of reaction from the character. Panic? Fear?
No. Nothing there to make me care.
No. I had to re-read it a couple of times. Wasn't completely sure what was going on.
Yes. Good image.
Yes - as it was SF I imagined aliens invading a space station - although I then wondered why the protag kept running and didn't hide in any of the rooms.
I'd read on for a while to decide.
No. Not enough information, for all I know, the protag is looking for a bathroom.
No. Evokes The Matrix-like imagery and I don't feel invited in.
Yes. But only just. The double door reference is jerky. I would prefer something like - I race past so many doors they all begin to blend into the white walls.
No.
I have no sense of where this person is or why they're running. It's lacking that little twist or bit of hook that pulls me in.
No. I had to stop and read the first few words again because "I race past door" doesn't make sense. It pulled me from the sentence and that's never a good a thing.
No. I'm thinking late for class.
No. This doesn't seem like an opening line to me. If you're starting with action, I think you need to have the MC's. Live come through more. Otherwise, it's just a person running.
No. This has been done before and there's something I can't pinpoint that I don't like about this sentence.
Yes. What is the MC looking for?
No. I can't figure out if he's a really fast runner or dreaming that he's a fast runner; it doesn't make sense.
Yes, wonder why the character is running.
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