TITLE: Averagely Extraordinary
GENRE: YA Sci-Fi
The cavern rumbled for the third time in as many minutes.
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70 comments:
Yes. It's not all that interesting, but I get the sense that it could, so I'd read on to see where it went.
No. If the cavern is rumbling, I want to feel that -- fear, noise, shaking -- not the accountant-like feeling of "the third time in as many minutes." If we're starting out in mortal danger, I don't want it to feel like bookkeeping.
No. Why should I care about a cave? Now, if the mc "felt" the cave rumbling, maybe I'd read on...
Yes. Maybe. I like that there's a sense of voice, but I'd want to see something about the MC in the very next sentence.
No. In as many minutes as what? Confusing, and not sue I care about a cavern rumbling for the third time. Sorry.
No. It's just okay- The first sentence feels a little generic and unoriginal. It lacks an interesting voice.
No. The way the event is expressed is a bit academic.
No. It's just not doing it for me.
No. As many minutes. I guess that means three minutes, but it just sounds too awkward.
No. I want to be connected to a person, not an event. Show instead someone's reaction to the event.
No. Confusing.
No. I didn't think it was that interesting.
No. Caverns don't rumble.
No -- doesn't feel specific enough to place me there.
Yes. I'd want to know why the cavern is rumbling, but I think it could be stronger if your MC was in there.
No. I was going to say "it might just be me" but looks like it's not (others have already said it), but I don't like "in as many minutes". I've read it before in other work and never liked it. Sounds stiff and odd. Especially for a first sentance. and again ESPECIALLY for YA.
No I'd definitely change that.
Cavern rumbling, maybe, (although when you think about it, if it's the third time it doesn't seem to be as important.) But you probably need to show us why it matters. Is it about to cave in, or something?
No. Phrasing is weird and I don't know anything about the cavern or who is in it.
Yes. I was on the fence about this one, but I'm intrigued enough by the rumbling cavern that I would keep reading.
No. I don't like the inanimate object performing the verb right off the bat.
Yes, I'd give it another couple of sentences to understand the significance of the rumbling cavern.
Yes-ish. I agree there's a sense something could be happening. It's enough to keep me reading for a few sentences more.
No. It just doesn't hook me in, or really tell me anything that's going on.
No. As many minutes as what?
No. The fact that it's happened twice before without detriment kind of minimizes the dangerous aspect of it.
No. Without context, it's just a random event, not anything interesting.
No. I like caverns and care about them--especially when bats are hanging down or flying around. This sentence, however, doesn't grab me. I'm not bothered that this is the third time. Maybe this time the MC sees some rocks sliding. Maybe this time the MC is close to the flimsy hanging ladder with the 4 inch rungs and is ready to start the 100 foot climb out. Whatever. Just write a more engaging sentence.
Yes, the frequency of rumblings seems ominous enough for me to read more.
No. Just didn't grab me.
YES. I want to know why the cavern is rumbling, and why it keeps on rumbling, and how it affects the MC.
No
"in as many minutes" sounds a little awkward.
Yes, but the title bothers me and the image could probably be made more personal for the protag.
Yes but only if the next few paragraphs were good. I agree with others that I don't feel connected to the scene yet.
No. "In as many minutes" drains any emotion right out of the idea.
No. Only because I swear I read a very similar (as in practically the same) opening in another Sci-Fi novel.
No, it's not a bad line, but it doesn't feel engaging.
No. I agree with JaneDoe's comment above "in as many minutes" stood out too much for me to want to know more.
No, it's a little vague and it's not sucking me in.
No. I wanted some idea of who was experiencing those rumbles. Anybody?
No. It feels awkward.
No. Perhaps if there was a character involved it would be more interesting.
Yes. I like it. I can envision your MC looking up and wondering if he/she should get the heck out of there. I'm intrigued.
No. Not enough info to interest me.
No. I'm not sure what that means and I've been given no reason to care or to want to.
No. This sentence is missing emotion.
No, nothing really wrong, but also nothing drawing me in. Needs more voice maybe.
No. Lacks voice. If the character were in the cavern, or cared about what was happening there, I'd expect to see that emotion reflected here.
No. Although I think I see what you're getting at, when there are no characters to worry about, I don't care what's happening with the tunnel.
Yes, but it depends heavily on the next sentence. The quaking interests me, and I often like omniscient narrator beginnings. However, I'd need a really good 'feeling' sentence for the next one.
No, awkward
Yes. Danger, specific timeline. I'm there.
Yes, although it's obviously a set up and doesn't give much information, it has enough to make me read the next sentence. The voice is good and strong.
No. While I now have some idea of what's going on, it doesn't really catch my attention. It could be because I don't know if this is good or bad for the main character.
No. No hint of who is experiencing the rumbling and why the number of rumbles matters.
No--try adding an "and" at the end, then showing how a character reacts to the rumbling. Right now, I don't feel scared for anyone.
No. Maybe if there were people in the cave, I might care to read more.
No. I'd like a sense of the p.o.v. character -- who is experiencing the rumbling and how does he or she feel about it?
Yes - but only a weak endorsement here. Get into some internalisation and action in the next few lines and you might save it.
No. Needs emotional reaction to rumbling.
No.
I'd rather start with character and frame this information with the MC's reaction.
No. I feel dumped in the middle of action. Don't where I am or who's there that I should care about.
Yes, but needs more impact. Unless the next lines introduce a strong and memorable MC.
No. I want to feel how this affects the MC. Does it knock him/her off her feet? Is he/she inside the cavern? Outside? There's not enough here to attach to.
YES. I'm kind of hooked. I feel like I'm there. I'm in a cavern and it is rumbling. I want to know why. I'm curious and a little scared.
Yes. It's vague but indicates imminent action, possibly danger.
Yes. Something is happening, and bigger things may come of it.
No. This happens a lot in stories and I'm not intrigued.
No. I'm just confused.
No - no character to latch onto.
No. Is the cavern hungry (all I can think of is a rumbling tummy!)
Yes, assuming there's some decent action to follow. Rumbling cavern promises this.
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