TITLE: Fade Into You
GENRE: YA Contemporary
Blood pumped in my veins as I fled.
Pages
- Authoress
- Crits and Contests
- FAQ
- Contact
- Success Stories
- Baker's Dozen Success Stories
- General Success Stories
- Published Authors
- Secret Agent Success Stories
- Peter Adam Salomon
- Helene Dunbar
- Beth Hautala
- Monica B.W.
- Leah Petersen
- Danielle Jensen
- Tracy Holczer
- Leigh Talbert Moore
- Alice Loweecey
- Beth Hull
- Home
72 comments:
No. It starts off with a chase or running away from something, and I know nothing about the MC.
No. Blood pumps in everyone's veins. I would rather just have "I fled."
No. Starting right off telling like this doesn't give me any emotional attachment to want to read farther.
No. I don't get any sense of voice or any reason to care about the MC.
No. The most interesting part of this sentence is "I fled" and it's at the very end. Give the narrator a reason to flee.
No. Blood pumping in veins is cliche.
No. Where else would blood pump? And there are no specifics.
No. It needs to be more immediate and specific. Blood pumped... what? faster? like chunky peanut butter? Or does it race? What is the character fleeing from?
No. Too cliche and not telling us enough. Give us a hint of why they are fleeing, what the flight feels like, the terror, the worry, something a bit more about *them* and their feelings about fleeing and not just a bodily reaction to running.
No.
It seems redundant to me. Of course the blood is pumping in your viens. Where else would it pump?
And there are a million things she could be running from. Some interesting, some not. So just the idea of fleeing isn't enough for me.
No. As you fled from what? Confused.
No -- too generic... want to know what narrator is fleeing from/what the stakes are.
No. Where else would blood pump?
No. Blood always pumps in your veins. Unless you're dead, that is.
No. What else would pump in your veins? (If it was something else, I'd read on.)
No. I agree with the others who said this is cliche.
No. I feel dropped in on action out of the blue.
No, if there were more about what he/she were fleeing from or how serious the danger was, I'd read on.
NO. That's what blood does. I want to know what the MC is running from, not that the blood is doing something it's supposed to do.
No, for many of the reasons above--of course blood pumps in veins and I'd prefer to know what the MC is fleeing from.
No. To generic for me.
No. Blood pumps in your veins all of the time (unless you're dead) so this doesn't grab me as something urgent.
No, this is a cliche turn of phrase. Not original enough for an opener.
No. While there's immediate conflict here, it's presented in a somewhat cliche way that doesn't tell me anything about why the character is fleeing.
Yes, I feel the "fight or flight" kicking in.
No. Does blood only pump in his veins when he's fleeing?
No, too common a line. Plus blood pumping isn't an indication of fleeing.
No. I can see blood pumping through arteries, but once it's gone through capillaries and reached the veins it's more like it's being pushed along. Anyway I'd rethink it.
No. Not interesting. Anyway, the heart pumps oxygenated blood through the arteries. Oxygen-poor blood returns via the veins. The thump-thump would be arterial. Changing this would not make the sentence a grabber, however.
Yes,
I'd be interested in reading some more. Though you have to be careful when starting with action. The reader doesn't yet care about your character so any life-or-death situations will feel empty.
No, 'as I fled' seems weak.
No. "Blood pumped" is overused. Give me something different or at least tell me what is being fled.
No. I feel like I've been dropped into a scene without knowing why I should care, and also, the writing seems weak.
No. Cliche and uninteresting.
No. Sorry, but I agree with all the above 'no' comments.
No, there isn't any context for the line. It seems like more of a second or third line.
No - this is very generic. I've read a bunch of openers like this before, about people running, and fleeing, etc. If I don't have any back story about your MC, it doesn't really hook me. That's not to say you have to fit it in all at once. But a few choice descriptions could make it feel more original.
No. It seems a bit cliche. Maybe use the opportunity to world build:
I fled, my feet pounding clouds of dust on the parched trail.
No, too generic.
No. I think of blood pumping through arteries, not veins and it would in any case regardless of the fleeing.
No, but I'd change that to a Yes if the sentence included what she was fleeing from.
No. Everyone has blood in their veins. Feels too generic.
No. We don't know enough yet to feel anything for this person.
No. Doesn't everyone's?
No.
He/she is alive because blood is pumping and that's all I know. Mine pumps when I sit down in front of the computer.
No. Blood pumps through all veins so this detail doesn't grab me.
No. This doesn't grab me at all, it's a statement of the obvious.
No. Blood pumping does not tell me enough about the character, the causation, or the stakes to move my interest.
No. Unfortunately, I'm echoing others. The first thing I thought (before reading comments) was *where else will blood pump* and what else will it do but pump? Try wording it in a more evocative way, but make sure it doesn't turn awkward in the attempt to be different.
Yes. I want to know what you're runing from. Very good!
Keeping it short and to the point really captured my attention.
No--Nyeah, it's just really generic for me. I have blood pumping in my veins too, even when I'm not fleeing, and this doesn't tell me much about the story itself.
No. It's missing some emotion, some conflict. Just a little more info. I'd rather know what makes your blood pump than the simple fact that it's pumping.
No. No one I want to read or care about describes fleeing from anything like this.
No. There's too little context, I have no idea about the character, and I'm not sure what he or she is fleeing.
No: seen this 1,000 times before
No. Blood pumping doesn't mean much without context. We could use a few details of where we are and what the character is fleeing from.
No. No sense of character or a reason for me to care.
No. Where is the MC fleeing to? And from what? Plus, the blood pumping in the veins phrase seemed a bit cliched. Not to mention blood is always pumping through your veins, even when you're asleep.
No. It needs some kind of evocative detail to draw me in.
No. Too little unique detail.
No - as the others with a knowledge of the circulatory system have said - the heart pumps blood through arteries; by the time it reaches the veins, another method pushes the blood along.
Unless you knew this already and were trying to show us that the narrator is some type of alien!
Nevertheless, I'd much rather get a sense of what you were fleeing from.
No. Too very generic.
No. Cliched.
No.
Blood's pumping in my veins right now, so the description isn't very intriguing. The fleeing part would have been if I were just a touch more grounded as to where/why/who.
No. There's nothing unique to this line. If you said what or who he/she was running from, that would give it some context.
No. I'd argue blood pumps in the heart and arteries, it kind of flows or gets dragged along in veins. Also, fleeing has nothing to do with it. I don't expect a teen to fuss about that one though.
No. Blood pumps in your veins all the time, unless you're dead.
No. Very cliched, and does not make me want to keep reading.
No. This is too cliche.
No - too vague for me, and generic. Most people have blood pumping through their veins 24-7, regardless of what they're doing. Implies action though - that's good.
No. Sorry, seems ordinary.
No, just doesn't grab me.
Post a Comment