TITLE: WAITING FOR SOMEDAY
GENRE: Women's Fiction
The chain of vehicles driving down the apartment-lined street might as well be her funeral procession as far as Valene was concerned.
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71 comments:
No. It seems like the writer is trying too hard to pack too much information into one sentence. Makes me wonder if the whole book is like that.
No. I'm sorry. The writing doesn't flow well for me.
No. The last bit starting with 'as far as' is unnecessary. 'Might as well' conveys the same idea. And the apartment-lined sort of takes away from the idea of the sentence.
No. It tells me nothing.
No. Sentence is a bit hefty and voice seems melodramatic.
No. Sentence could be simplified and reworked for a better effect. Doesn't pull me in.
No. The sentence doesn't flow and it's lacking in voice.
Yes. It sounds to me like Valene is depressed and I'm curious as to why.
No. I think it would've been stronger without the "as far as" part in there.
Yes. It made me smile.
No. It feels a little weak for an opener. I think it would be stronger if it started with Valene - 'Valene thought' or something like that.
No. Too clunky. This is trying to be close third, but the phrase "as far as Valene was concerned" is distancing. Author doesn't know how to work the voice.
No. Very wordy and I suspect the entire ms will be very wordy. Also, I don't want to read about a depressed person unless I care about her for some reason other than her depression.
No. Wordy and I was instantly turned off by the MC's name.
YES. Why did she feel it could have been her funeral procession?
No. There's so much going on here that the idea is getting lost. Good idea though, just needs to be a little simpler.
Yes.
I'm a little confused, but I like the line and am interested.
No. The voice doesn't feel like a story I would personally be interested in. [side note: you seem to have a verb shift from present (driving; as well be) to past (was) - changing it to "might as well have been" should fix that.]
No. The construction of the sentence is awkward and wordy.
And assuming it's not her funeral procession, it feels a little heavy and emo for me. I'd have a hard time connecting with a character who thought that about a line of cars.
yes. i am interested, but would like a little less wordiness and more flow for a first sentence. love the premise.
No, it seemed a little forced and too wordy.
No. It would be much more enticing if you cut from 'as far as' on.
NO, sorry, too clunky and victimized for me.
No. Nice idea, but needs restructuring.
No. It seems like you're trying too hard to hook us.
No. First, I'm not sure why this is in italics as if it is a thought when clearly it isn't. Two the sentence needs to tie into her emotions or reactions more.
No. This sentence was really hard for me to read, to be completely honest. The rhythm of words just felt off. I think it might be from the adjectives. "chain of" "apartment-lined"
Actually, I think a good rewrite, if I could suggest one? "The chain of vehicles on the street might as well be Valene's funeral procession."
The basis of your sentence - Valene looking at vehicles and comparing them to her funeral procession - makes me interested. Why does she see them as such? But the fact that the original sentence is so long, it feels unnatural, and makes me not want to read it.
Hope this helps.
No. It felt clunky. I think if it gets simplified it'd have a stronger impact because I am curious as to why she thinks that...
Yes, but I would like it a lot better if you started with, "As far as Valene was concerned..."
No. The sentence felt clunky; it would have been less confusing if we had started with Valene and gone from there, instead of the reverse.
No. Sentence is awkward and could mean way too many things to be interesting.
No. Too passive, too long.
No. Not a good way to start.
No. It didn't really have an promise of 'conflict'.
Yes. Gives the reader a sense of dread yet with a twist of sarcasm?
Re R.A.D.'s comment above, I got the impression Valene could be in one of the vehicles. Maybe make this clear.
Hope this helps.
No. The wording was clunky, and I was wondering why it was in italics?
No
Too much in the first sentence.
No. There's too much melodrama for me to really care about the character.
No. The language seems a little tortured.
No - I found the sentence awkward.
No, I get the sentiment but this could be much sharper. If it was more active I would've said yes.
No.
I don't want to go anywhere with a woe-is-me narrator.
No, a bit clunky for me.
No. You can cut 'as far as Valene was concerned.' Too many words weighing it down.
Nope. Too wordy and descriptive, but not with info that would make me care. Sounds like it is trying to be funny, but isn't.
Yes. While the wording could be tighter, I'm intrigued by the sentiment.
No. Too vague for me - I'd want to know what the chain of vehicles is right away to know why there's irony implied by the funeral reference.
No. I'm sorry to say it didn't flow smoothly for me.
No. Clunky sentence, unfortunate name, and a depressed character all add up to no for me.
No, just doesn't feel like a book I'm interested in.
No, sentence is too clunky.
No--I'm getting a lot of details from this sentence, but nothing that actually sets up the plot or some kind of turmoil for the story. Apartments and vehicles are well and good, but I'm left asking 'huh? So what?' more than 'why.' All I know is some girl is sad, and there are cars in the street.
No. Tense problem in the first sentence would make me stop. However, re-written it might be interesting.
No, awkward
No. It was hard to read - too detailed.
Yes. A little clunky but I felt the character's emotion so I was drawn in.
No. I don't know if the MC is in one of the cars, which street she's on, where she's going, or why I should care.
No. The first line is wordy but doesn't say much about Valene or why I should care about her.
No. Too long and wordy. It gives me an idea of the setting, but I'm thrown off by the sentence structure. It has potential, as I wonder about why it'd be her funeral procession, but I'm having a hard time following it.
Yes. For the genre I think it works and I would continue to read more.
No. A chain of vehicles to me is heavy traffic and that's common, as is an apartment lined street. It's too commonplace for me to care why she sees it as doom & gloom.
No.
The sentence is wordy and doesn't flow well. And I'm trying to think of chains of vehicles that would be akin to funeral processions; all I can come up with is a tupperware party. It might be more compelling if I knew why the cars were there and then had Valene's depressed assessment.
No. It's overwritten and I don't know if the MC is in the prcession or watching it.
Yes. I'm curious why the character feels this way and why so many cars are moving around her block.
No. Just too long and forced.
Yes. I like the voice. It hints at a good story
No, sounds pretty negative. I need to like a character before she gets to act all depressed.
No. She sounds down, but I don't care enough about Valerie as a character to care.
No. Confusing sentence structure.
No. The sentence is missing zing.
No, it just doesn't flow well in my opinion.
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