TITLE: Clear Cut
GENRE: YA Fantasy
"The convict you choose will be your bodyguard on the journey ahead."
Pages
- Authoress
- Crits and Contests
- FAQ
- Contact
- Success Stories
- Baker's Dozen Success Stories
- General Success Stories
- Published Authors
- Secret Agent Success Stories
- Peter Adam Salomon
- Helene Dunbar
- Beth Hautala
- Monica B.W.
- Leah Petersen
- Danielle Jensen
- Tracy Holczer
- Leigh Talbert Moore
- Alice Loweecey
- Beth Hull
- Home
85 comments:
Yes. Makes me wonder: Why is some chosen convict going to be a bodyguard for whatever journey they're facing?
Yes. Intrigued by the idea of convicts being body guards.
Yes. I'm already wondering about the convicts, why they need bodyguards, and the journey ahead. And the choice part makes it even cooler.
Yes. Sounds very intriguing.
Yes. Like everyone else, I'm intrigued about convicts being bodyguards. As a character, that would make me nervous.
Yes. I'm pulled in by the choice and the idea of a convict as a bodyguard.
Yes. I like the idea, and I get the sense that you're starting the story in the right place. It seems like things are about to get really interesting.
Yes: ditto to everything erin said above.
Yes. I'm curious why a convict will become a bodyguard.
Yes! I kind of loved this sentence. Right away you set up a very interesting situation with just a few simple words. Great job!
Yes. Very intriguing.
Yes. Convict, body guard, journey...sounds like something I'd read.
Yes. I'm into it. Using a convict as a bodyguard and having to choose the right one sets up an immediate conflict/question and I'm ready to examine her choices. :)
Yes. It kept my attention, but I didn't like the Journey Ahead part.
Yes. My curiosity has been aroused.
Yes. Convict and bodyguard in one sentence make for an intriguing opener.
Yes. I'm automatically thinking of the movie Gamer. I'm envisioning burly hunks like Jason Statham and Gerald Butler lining up.
Yes. Nice hook right away.
NO. I cannot suspend my disbelief even for this first sentence. I cannot see anyone choosing a convict (read prisoner?) to be their bodyguard no matter what the world is like.
Yes. A convict as a prisoner? I want to know more about what's going on and why.
Yes.
Ugh. Once again, I don't like dialog as a first line. I think this would be a better "grabber" if it were told in narrative, or thoughts. But, it does it's job. I can't say no to it.
No. I need a little more background to suspend my disbelief that a convict would be able/chosen/approved to be a bodyguard. Actually just adding in 'will serve' to the sentence, as if it's part of the convict's sentence, might do it for me.
Yes, although I would prefer some background and atmosphere before this point to ground the reader a bit more! But the concept alone has me intrigued.
Yes. Although the sentence feels just the slightest bit spare, the concept is interesting.
yes! his/her body guard is a convict? great hook!!
Yes, I like the concept of a convict bodyguard.
Yes.
Intriguing. I definitely want to know who, why, what, how.
Yes, it hit the curiosity button. Pick a hot one!
Yes. It intrigues me with all sorts of possibilities.
No. It gives me an immediate sense of distrust.
Yes. A convict as a bodyguard seems completely unbelievable, so I have to read on to se what's up.
Love it, a convict bodyguard???
Yes. What is going on here! Immediately I want more. I know some say don't start with dialogue, but when you can do it like that, why not? :)
Yes. Convict.
Really?
It definitely does seem far-fetched, but has me interested in the story behind it!
No, I don't like books that open with dialogue.
No. While this is interesting, the concept just seemed presented in a heavy-handed fashion. Sounds very, 'As you know, Bob...'-ish.
Yes. A convict bodyguard? I'd read a little more just to find out what's going on. (Sorry for the horrible rule following again).
No. Mostly because my real answer is "meh." The dialogue start leaves me feeling disconnected and less interested than a sentence that gave me some grounding in where I was and who was narrating.
Yes. Convicts for bodyguards? Why need bodyguards? What journey? Need more.
No. Just didn't interest me.
Yes. Big time. I love the concept- a convict having to be a good guy with the prospect of adventure. Conflict. I love it! :)
YES. The full promise of conflict and journey are all there. I'd love to read more.
Yes, intriguing idea.
Yes. Immediate sense of conflict.
Yes, I'm curious.
Yes
Why a convict? Will he be a good bodyguard? Perhaps a friendship or a romance? What journey? I wish this was already a book!
Yes, yes, yes, please.
In one line, you have a mysterious journey, a relationship being forced on what are likely unwilling parties, and someone being given an ally they are not going to want to trust. So much yes.
Yes. The contrast between convict and bodyguard, and the idea of a trip intrigued me.
Yes. Because not only does this spell clear mystery right away, but it points to a unique concept beneath, one I would be interested in reading - nice.
Yes. Normally I'm not a fan of starting with dialogue, but this does it well.
Yes, I would keep reading. I don't usually like quotes to start a story but I would assume the next lines will give context.
Yes. Nice hook, but think about one or two lines before you launch into dialog.
Yes, I want to know more.
Yes
Normally don't like dialogue at the start but this is interesting enough to provoke curiosity.
Yes, intriguing. And it takes a line this intriguing to make me get over my aversion to cold opens with dialogue.
Yes. I normally hate dialogue as an opening sentence, but the word 'convict' intrigues me. I'd read on.
No. This sounds like dialogue to me.
Yes! Choosing a convict as a body guard? For a journey?? I'm hooked.
Yes. Though I agree with the comment about changing "be" to "serve as", that gives a nice sense of the relationship between the one doing the choosing and the convict-bodyguard.
(Full Disclosure: This is one of my crit partners, so I know what happens next. That may color my opinion...or not.)
Yes, interesting and makes me curious about this story.
Yes. Sounds like it will be a grand time with a convict as a bodyguard. Punchy.
Hahaha YES. I like the set-up instantly.
Wow! This really grabbed me. I want to know more!
Yes. Where are they going and can the convict be trusted?
Yes. Immediately makes me wonder why.
Yes. I don't like that it starts with dialogue, but it makes me wonder why a convict would be a bodyguard and suggests a story with a lot of action.
Yes. I think this dialogue is the exception that proves the rule: I don't care who is talking because what they are saying is so dang interesting.
Yes. The idea of a convict bodyguard is rife with potential conflict.
Yes! It really makes me wonder about what kind of convict and who they are bodyguarding and what the journey is. This one really does make me want to keep reading.
No. Starting with this dialogue does nothing for me.
Yes. I like the premise.
Yes. I'm interested to find out why someone would be desperate enough to have to trust a convict to be a bodyguard.
Yes.
I'd give it a few more lines because the premise seems so odd. But as a character, my response to this dialog would be, "Um... no thanks, then. I'll just stay home." So things would have to really start making sense for me to continue buying into it. I think the sentence is also a little long and overly informative to be truly hooky.
Yes. It promises conflict and adventure.
Yes. This seems like an interesting idea and I'm curious to what's going to happen.
Yes. Skillfully done, though "the journey ahead" is a little cliched...can it be changed to better describe the journey?
Yes. Intriguing and thoughtful!
Yes. I'm not usually a fan of starting with dialogue, but I'm intrigued with the convict-as-bodyguard, and what sort of world we're in.
Yes. I don't like starting with dialogues, but this one intrigues me
Yes, it makes me curious.
Yes. I'm curious and can't help but wonder what I would do in that situation.
Writer here, now that voting's closed. Thank you, everyone, for your feedback. I didn't know dialogue would be half this controversial-- I just knew that every time I started somewhere else, it was the wrong place. And I blushed more often than I'll admit.
Now that you've pointed it out, I will change the 'will be' to 'will serve as.' Thanks, everyone.
Good luck to all in getting to the next round!
No. Again with the disconnected dialogue (though it seems an interesting piece of dialogue).
Yes. Concise and creates intrigue.
No. It does make me wonder, but it's hard to say - feels like it's just not grabby enough. It may be in conjunction with the follow up sentences - it could have been a yes in that case. On its own it doesn't grab me enough.
Post a Comment