TITLE: Ghost River
GENRE: Paranormal Mystery
If God had meant for humans to live on water, we would have fins like Aqua Man and hair that doesn’t frizz.
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76 comments:
Yes. It sounds the beginning of a 'just enough snark' paranormal, and the type of voice I prefer is immediately apparent.
Yes. It's got a lot of voice and I'm wondering why the speaker is living on water and what that entails.
Yes. It's got a lot of voice and I'm wondering why the speaker is living on water and what that entails.
Yes. Good voice and I like when cliches are turned on their heads.
Yes; it made me smile.
Yes, but it could be fine tuned. It was catchy and had voice.
No. There's nothing wrong with your sentence, but it just didn't grab my interest.
Yes. Funny, plus, I relate to the hair comment.
Yes. Love the voice
Yes. It's cute and accessible without losing tone quality. It almost sounds like song lyrics. I immediately like the narrator.
No. Perhaps too much description. Or maybe the God part, but whatever it was turned me off.
No. I can see why you need fins to live in water but why would you need them to live on water? Frizzy hair is good, however.
Yes. Love the offhand comment and voice.
Yes. I like the voice.
Yes. Love the attitude and the reference to contemporary culture.
Yes.
The frizz saved you. There was something about it that felt stiff, though I know that's not helpful because I can't pin point what. "hair that doesn't frizz" made me smile though and I want to know about your character.
Yes! It made me grin.
yes. draws me right in to another world, and love the humor right off the bat. great job!
Yes, good voice, and the frizzy hair part made me smile.
Yes. Aqua man and frizzy hair are so at odds with each other that it worked.
No. Nothing wrong, just didn't hook me.
No. Sounds like it should read "in water" not "on water."
No. The "on" water was off for me.
Yes. The voice is great and I love the Aqua Man reference, it make my inner nerd happy. I'm intrigued!
Yes, Aqua Man hooks me in but its hould be in instead of on.
Yes, I like it.
No, nothing was wrong, but it didn't grab me.
No. My first thought was, "Shouldn't that be 'humans to live IN water'?" and that left me puzzled.
Yes - Made me laugh, but I'm curious as well about the living on vs. in water.
Yes. Great humor, but feels adolescent in a way. Is MC/speaker a kid or teen? Would read to find out.
Yes. I was going to say no until the "hair that doesn't frizz." Great voice set up with that one.
No. I agree there's nothing wrong with the sentence, it's just not the sort of voice I'd be interested in reading.
No. I would take out God and Aqua Man.
No. It really doesn't promise any conflict other than conflicting images- fins in water/ hair doesn't frizz in water- no fins needed on water/ hair does frizz in humidity.
No. The content just didn't work for me.
No, it felt like it was trying too hard to be funny, but it didn't pull me in.
No. "Next to" or "in" instead of "on" would sound better. I was really on the fence about this one - because I liked how you made the comparison to something huge and epic (like Aquaman) but then leaving it with the frizzy hair bit makes me a bit interested.
Like I said, I was a close to being hooked...
YES. I love the voice and the humor, and the frizzy hair totally makes this line.
Yes
I'm a Christian, so I like the inclusion of God. And I'd be interested in seeing why this is relevant. Sounds like a good conflict between man and nature.
No. Sounds like there is a sermon coming up.
Yes. Ha! Nice voice.
Yes, I like the voice.
No. Why would it be necessary to have fins if living "on" water? Wouldn't the humans be in a boat? Do you mean "in" water? Confusing.
Yes. Because this line is hilarious.
Yes because it's a good voice. But the comic nerd in me has some quibble. I don't think Aquaman has fins and I believe there is no space between Aqua and man. If you're going to make pop culture references accuracy is important, otherwise you pull nerdy folk like me out of the story.
No.
Nothing wrong with it stylistically but it just does not pull me into a story the way that I need to be.
Yes, I like the voice.
Yes. Good voice and a bit of humor. Plus, I love paranormal mystery.
Yes, because of the frizzy hair line.I know what water can do to frizzy hair, lol!
Yes. Quirky and intriguing.
No. The hair frizzing comment sounds frivolous, and makes me think the story will be about conflict of similar magnitude. Possibly someone who reads more in the genre might like it more - I may be biased.
Yes. It's cute and pulls me in.
No, just doesn't interest me.
Yes. There's a sense of snark indicating a character I'll probably find entertaining.
Yes. It's humorous and catches my attention.
No. The sentence assumes too much mythology that I am not willing to accept.
Yes, I like the voice. Makes me wonder why the use of "on water" instead of "in", especially because of the reference to fins.
Yes. I liked the reference to Aqua Man, and I didn't feel like you were assuming the existence of God so much as setting up character voice. I liked the voice!
Yes. The voice suggests a character with a humorous a point of view.
Yes. Fun voice. Though I wasn't sure until I got to the last word.
No. It just didn't hook me. Also, the phrase "live on water" confused me.
Yes. It has a strong voice and I like the way it referenced Aqua Man and "hair that doesn't frizz." It makes me guest that the MC has frizzy hair.
No. Confuses me more than intrigues me.
Yes. I hated "Waterworld" which this makes me think of, but it's snarky and I like that.
Yes. I like the voice of the character.
No. Opening with a cliche doesn't grab me. It's something my grandfather would say. Maybe if there was a twist rather than the normal fins & frizzy hair--something completely outragous like blow holes or eight arms and built-in sonar, I would be tempted to continue.
No.
You almost got me with the humor of the no-frizz hair (this seems "cozy"), but you need fins to live IN the water.
No. The cliche opening doesn't give me confidence in what will follow.
Yes. It made me giggle =) and I'm curious to what's going on.
Yes, funny and voicey.
Yes. I like the voice and writing style
Yes, LOVE the voice. Into the story already. I would go a long why with this one.
Yes. This character already has me captivated.
No. Didn't appeal to me outright, and I'd have to read more to be hooked.
Yes. A zesty first line for sure.
No, didn't appeal to me.
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