TITLE: Feathers of Blood
GENRE: YA Slapstick Horror
I hit the kitchen floor off the back stairs with shocking speed and a painful thud, landing flat on my a**.
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68 comments:
No: Language not very evocative.
Yes. I admit I'm intrigued more by the genre than the first line, though. I want to know what slapstick horror is.
No. Because "shocking speed and a painful thud." Also trying to figure out room geography right off the bat makes a rough entry.
No. Description confused me.
No. The voice might be okay, but I can't really tell because I'm really confused about what's happening.
It also makes me think maybe the author is trying to hard to be attention grabby.
No. Voice isn't strong here, no sense of who this person is and their situation. Plus sentence is awkwardly phrased.
No. The wording is really awkward, and I'm not sure why you needed to say a**.
No. Too much for a first line, pull back a little and give us an idea of what's happening and why.
No. There isn't anything to the line, really, except sometone falling down. I don't feel like I want to read on.
No. The sequence of events doesn't make sense.
No -- the action is a bit confusing, and I don't get a sense of what might be at stake.
No. It's trying too hard to be 'slapstick' and falling short. Like they're trying to describe someone slipping on a banana peel and expecting it to be as funny as seeing it in a Charlie Chaplin movie.
No. Confusing description.
Yes. Action right off the bat.
Yes. I'm intrigued enough to see why this character is running.
No. It needs a scrubbing.
No, opening with action is great, but this has no context or stakes. Plus the the wording is awkward.
No. Too wordy.
No. I like the idea you've created, but for me there was just too much packed into this one sentence.
No. Too much play by play for an opening sentence.
No. I don't understand this after reading several times. Does he fall off the stairs on to the floor or is the kitchen off the stairs?
No. Sentence is clunky and there is an overuse of adjs. For example: 'Shocking speed' and 'painful thud' is a bit redundant and weakens the impact of your message. To anyone who has ever fallen down the stairs and landed on their ass, we already know its painful. Try replacing with specific action nouns.
No. It felt too clunky; I had difficulty visualize what was really happening with all the conditionals and clauses.
No. Because there is not enough of an MC there. The words 'shocking' seem to come from you the author, not the first person MC.
No, immediate action with not a great impact.
No, but almost. Needs to be simplified.
No. I really, really want to say yes... but since I'm picturing him on a narrow, enclosed flight of stairs and in a kitchen simultaneously, I have to say no.
No. Sentence was too clunky.
Yes. It piqued my interest.
No. Lots of words. Confusing.
No,
I got a little confused by the description. Maybe if you took out "back stairs" and "shocking speed" and added those to a second sentence instead?
No, 'with shocking speed and a painful thud' reads awkwardly to me.
No. Sentence seems too wordy- trying to fit in too much description and if you're going to use a swear word, use it, or don't.
No, too much going on in this first sentence, it muddles the action.
No. Bad writing in this sentence puts me off. But I like the idea of slapstick horror.
No. Way too much. I read it twice just to be sure I had the right mental visual.
No, too many adjectives. The fact that your MC doesn't swear, but does swear, also throws me off.
I'm not even sure what a "Slapstick Horror" would look like? Is that "Comedy Horror" or "Dark Comedy"?
No, sorry. Too much going on. He/she can hit the ground with a thud (we'll know it's painful), and shocking speed just doesn't work. The mc can race down the stairs and slip with a thud, but no one describes themselves as running with "shocking speed."
Try to eliminate the adjectives and see how much better it shines. : )
No. I don't care yet about the mc so hearing s/he falls doesn't move me.
No. Too many descriptive words and not enough information.
No. Trying to be funny too soon. Swearing in the first sentence is a big turn-off.
No. Clunky sentence, too many words awkwardly strung together to say nothing interesting.
No, too wordy for me, but if the sentence was pared down to something like 'I hit the kitchen floor with a thud, landing flat on my a**' then yes.
No.
Don't like running anywhere to begin and as is the sentence is awkwardly constructed.
No. This doesn't tell me anything about the story or the character.
No. It feels like the real first line is missing, and it comes before this one.
Yes. I'd read the rest of the paragraph, because I like the notion of slapstick horror.
No. This is awkwardly phrased, not sure why it's self-censored, and it's hard to picture the action here.
Yes. I think it's hilarious. May be more effective by rewording though...
"I hit the kitchen floor with a painful thud, landing flat on my ass."
I'm not sure the back stairs and shocking speed are necessary. I dunno, maybe they are. But I would read more to find out.
Lots of comments in here with 'no story' and 'doesn't tell me about the character.' You can't tell it all in an opening sentence and you shouldn't try. Your opening sentence works for me. It makes me interested. It makes me interested.
Take comments with a grain of salt. My entry got kicked to the curb.
Let's help each other guys, not make each other feel like crap.
:)
No. I agree that 'shocking speed' and 'a painful thud' are more showing than telling, and I don't know if I can handle knowing about the 'back' stairs (as opposed to the front stairs?) right now. No geography quite yet! I wouldn't keep reading as a buyer, but I would like to know what YA slapstick horror is, so I WOULD offer to be your crit partner. = P
@ White Gardenia
"Call me Ishmael"
is considered the greatest opening line in Western Literature. If it were here, it would be eviscerated :) I hear you
No. Too much description of setting and not enough emotion or conflict.
No. The sequence doesn't seem sequential and is a bit confusing. Awkward phrasing.
No. I was confused and the sentence could stand to be a phrase shorter.
No. I think it could be a grabber with a little pruning: I hit the kitchen floor with a painful thud, landing flat on my a**. You could add the other details later.
Yes. I was intrigued to read more and the genre interests me.
No. I'm not sure what happened here, so the picture is muddled. Did she hit the floor on her feet and then slip or did she hit the floor on her a**? Who was shocked by her speed? If she was shocked... why? What generated the painful thud? It seems to have happened simultaneously with hitting the floor and before the landing flat.
No. What's shocking speed? I'd rather see a metaphor. Profanity in the first line is turn-off.
No. Having trouble visualising the back stairs finishing up in the kitchen when my head is trying to tell me they would terminate in a corridor leading to the kitchen. Also, shocking speed seems an odd description.
No.
The staging seemed awkard ("off the back stairs") and the description was a tad overwrought ("shocking speed and a painful thud."
No. It's a humorous opening and I don't mind the a**, but it reads awkward. Maybe if you cut "off the back stairs" it would help.
No. Someone fell. I want more.
Yes. I like starting with action. It's a little awkward, the 'shocking speed' jolted me and I had to read it again - it just didn't flow. I want to know what the MC is running from and the consequences of the fall.
No. It made me giggle, but it doesn't tell me much.
No. This doesn't tell me anything.
No. I think I'd like the voice of this, but this first sentence was disjointed.
No, but I do like the idea of opening with some good action. Just don't like the sentence.
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