TITLE: UNDECIDED
GENRE: YA contemporary
His music is too loud—not exactly a problem, except that it’s louder than mine.
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80 comments:
Yes. Enough conflict to keep reading.
Yes. Enough conflict to keep reading.
Yes: funny
No, but it's more a personal thing. I'm not the target audience here and I can't squeeze myself into that mindset.
No. Even though you set up some conflict, the stakes aren't high enough to grab me.
Yes. It's simple, offers an immediate insight into both characters, and has voice.
Yes. I like the voice and the promise of conflict.
Yes. I like the voice, and the personality that you can draw out from that sentence.
Yes. It guarantees rivalry.
No. If it's too loud, that implies a problem.
No. Feels small and also like a "meet cute" is on the horizon. Do not like the title.
No. Didn't grab me.
No. It didn't grab me either.
Yes. Lot's of attitude.
No. Not interesting.
Not.
Agreed- not interesting. There is no story in here, so far as I can see. I don't care about his music.
No. I don't have a reason to care about either of their music and how loud it is.
No. Want an emotional connection and there is no emotion here.
yes. competition immediately
No. Who is "his"? Arggh, I hate it when people start with pronouns. I need an antecedent!
No. Feels a little generic. Sorry.
Yes. Exactly the sort of competition I've found with siblings, between college dorm rooms, etc. The voice speaks true.
Yes, it makes sense to me!
No. Doesn't grab me.
No. Seems like it is a problem.
No. Why are you using a pronoun for a person we haven't met yet? It's deliberately vague and that doesn't make me want to read more.
Yes, barely. The voice was enough to tug me over, despite not having an immediate conflict that I care about.
No, but maybe because it's completely out of context
No, didn't grab me.
Yes. But only for a few more lines. I'm curious about what music (radio? instrument??, but not totally hooked.
Yes. I like the voice and the humor. Plus, I can totally relate.
No. Doesn't grab me- no move to actiion.
No. Not a grabber beginning.
No. Not enough to pull me in.
Yes, but just barely, I'd read the next sentence.
Yes, I like the voice, and I'd read on.
YES. I'm completely intrigued by the hint of conflict, and of competition. But I think this sentence needs work. If it weren't for the hint of competition, it would fall flat.
No. There's nothing that really grabs me here.
Yes. I can already see this person likes the other, though they may not want to. They also appear to be competitive. Drew me in.
Yes
It's interesting. Unexpected.
Yes. I'd read the next sentence out of curiousity.
No. Sounds very narcissistic.
Yes, I'm torn. I think it would be stronger to say who "his music" belongs to. Even if it's a name it's something more concrete to latch onto.
Yes. I like that little bit of sass that comes through.
No - it just doesn't tell me enough about what's going on.
Yes. It is one of my favorites because it gives a good view into the character of this mc and catches my attention.
Yes. Hilarious.
No. Nothing about it interested me.
Yes.
A small conflict that can intro two people and I can be patient enough to watch it play out from there.
Yes. It gives a bit of info about the speaker, enough that I'd read on.
No, just not grabbing me.
Yes. Tells me something about the character and I would read on.
Yes. It tells me a lot about the character. I'm curious to know more.
Yes. It gives me a sense of what this character is like, and promises a conflict coming up in short order.
No. Seemed to lay flat to me.
No. Something as small as giving "him" a name and pulling out the extraneous "that" might be enough for the reader to feel less distance.
Yes. I like the narrator's attitude - it's only too loud because it's louder than his/hers. Ha, ha. I want to know more about this person.
Hee hee yes, because it made me laugh. I love the voice of the MC already.
Yes. Suggests a conflict to come and I like the voice. You could use the character's name.
Yes. Though it feels like you're cramming extra information into one sentence. Might be best to break it into two. If the first sentence just said that "his music is louder than mine," we'd still get a sense of competition.
No. Just didn't grab me.
Yes. I like the conflict and character immeadietly presented. I want to know more about the relation between these two characters. However, it feels like the wording could be tightened. Especially "not exactly a problem."
Yes. Sounds like a fight is brewing and intrigues me to go further.
Yes. I love the attitude.
Yes. Hit a personal note - reminded me of my husband!
Yes. Instant rivalry.
Yes. I imagine this narrator will have an interesting voice; although it does seem strange to start a first line with such a vague pronoun.
Yes.
I liked the voice and the idea that the music isn't a problem because it's loud, only because it's louder than the MC's. I'd give it a few sentences to see where this is all occuring and make a decision then.
Yes. Nice. I like the present tense and the immediate conflict.
No. It brings to mind sibling rivalry. Not enough for me.
No. Plenty of times we've heard a start like this, but it doesn't make me want to keep reading.
Yes. How dare someone have louder music?? Aka I like the automatic conflict.
Yes. Nice twist.
No. Nothing to hook me in. It sounds like a factual statement, a bit bland and telling.
Yes. I like the voice here.
Yes. Totally hilarious.
Yes. Wonder if you need that "too" though.
Yes, but I think it should be two sentences.
Yes. I like the competition. Sounds like the MC is going to try to do something about "His" music. I want to keep reading. Nicely done!
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