TITLE: Divisions
GENRE: Women's Fiction
Lang knew better than to smile about the letters.
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78 comments:
Yes. Conflict and intrigue. What's up w/ the letters and what's the danger in smiling?
Yes: short, sweet and you want to know what happens next.
Yes. It's short but reveals so much -- that there's someone else there who could infer something if Lang smiled, that the letters are important to Lang, and that Lang is sly enough to conceal her emotions.
No. I need more information.
Yes. I want to find out what's in the letters.
Yes. I will admit the name Lang kind of threw me, but I'm wondering now about the letters and what's wrong with them.
Yes. I like the subtle threat in this really short sentence.
Yes. Very mysterious. I want to know what was in the letters.
Yes. Now I want to know why he/she knew better?
Yes. I'm curious about what these letters are, and why Lang knew better than to smile at them.
No. Leaves me cold.
Yes. GREAT. Restrained, authoritative, confident writing.
No. I don't know enough to care.
Yes. I have to keep reading to at least find out what the letters are.
No. Not interesting.
No. I have no idea what the letters are so I'm confused immediately.
yes: subtl tension
Yes.
But I'd like to know what "the letters" are, and fast.
Yes. Love the simplicity, but how you still grab us, give us a hint of what the character's like, and introduce some intrigue with the letters.
Yes. I'm definitely interested in why he shouldn't smile, why he knows he shouldn't smile and what is up with the letters. Nice!!
No. Not enough information to engage me.
Yes. I would immediately read on to find out more. I'm glad you didn't cram too much in here; it's perfectly concise.
No. It doesn't draw me in.
NO, sorry, just doesn't intrigue me.
No. I'm just not intrigued.
Yes. All sorts of possibilities.
No, too vague.
No. It would have been yes if you'd have stopped at smile.
No. BUT the idea is intriguing. It's tell though. I think if you show her fighting her smile it might have worked a little better.
Yes, but a weak yes as I think you could be more specific about the letters.
No. The ambiguous nature of 'letters' (whether they were the kind you mail, or the alphabet, or whatever) provoked more confusion in me than curiosity.
No, I am confused about the letters. Maybe an adjective would make it that much stronger.
No, not enough for me to go on.
No. Too vague.
Yes. It stands you on the edge of the cliff poised to jump.
Yes. I want to read the next few sentences to find out why.
Yes. I want to know why he/she knew better.
No, it just didn't draw me in.
No. On the fence with this one - because I want to know what letters Lang is smiling about - but on the other hand, I wish there was one more adjective.
love letters.
acceptance letters.
I'm not sure if you could still keep it short and sweet and add one more clarifying adjective.
Yes. Heck yes. I already feel sorry for Lang. Ready for more.
No
Though if there was something to specify what these letters are (notes? the alphabet?)it would be a yes. I'm sure you probably address it in the second sentence, but try adding it in the first so we're not left confused.
Yes. I'm curious.
Yes. I love a good snappy line and I want to know about the letters.
No. I didn't know if Lang was looking at letters, like love letters, or individual letters like the alphabetic kind to make words on the frig. It might help a lot, and set the story up better, if you put in the kinds of letters: Love letters, letters of dismissal, death announcements, mother's letters, etc.
No. The letters? Do you mean correspondence or actual letters? "S-O-S" "L-O-L"?
I'll assume the former, which totally confuses me. The sentence doesn't hook me. I think I'd me more intrigued if you just wrote, "Lang knew better than to smile." Then I would be curious to know why - without the confusion of the letters!
No - but could easily be turned into a yes if I had a hint about what the letters are (at first I thought the alphabet, then were they epistles,...???)
No. Nothing in it intrigues me.
No. This does not intrigue me. You might get me with the rest of the paragraph, but not yet.
No.
I need just a bit of context before I can care enough to be hooked by this sentence.
No. Not enough info. Letters. Meh.
No. Not enough information. Letters of the alphabet? Letters of correspondence?
Yes, I'm curious.
No. Not enough here to pull me forward.
Yes, intriguing.
Yes. It's simple with enough mystery that I want to read on.
Yes. Though I agree that giving one more word to identify the type of letters would really help, this is just over the line into "intriguing" for me. It poses a ton of questions for such a short sentence: What letters, why can't Lang smile about them, who is it that says Lang can't smile, what will happen if Lang DOES smile, etc.
Yes. I instantly connect with a character who smiles inappropriately.
No. I agree with the above comment that stopping at 'smile' would be stronger for me, because that sounds stronger and more mysterious. I just stop caring when it's letters she's smiling about--unless you can show me that they're really interesting letters.
No. The letters part threw me because I don't know what kind of letters he means.
Yes. I'm confused, but I'd definitely stick around for a few more sentences to find out what the letters are and why she shouldn't smile.
Yes. Suggests conflict in a few words.
Yes. Who is this Lang person who smiles when he shouldn't? And what are the letters?
No. I'm not sure what letters, and it doesn't really tell me if she knows better because she's being sneaky, or because she'd be in trouble.
No. Nothing there to make me care.
No. Insufficient information. Love letters? Blackmail? Who is Lang hiding the smile from?
No. Nothing for me to latch onto and I'm not sure if they are talking about a letter (received in the post) or a selection of individual letters that are laid out somewhere i.e. B, D F T F
Yes. Intrigued about the letters and who Lang might be
Yes. I'm interested to find out what the letters are and why Lang is being cautious.
Yes.
I liked that it named the character up front, and I have a sort of half scene imagined already. I'm intrigued by why the letters make him want to smile and why he knows smiling would be inappropriate. It'd be stronger if I knew what kind of letters these were.
Yes. I'm intrigued enough to keep reading. I like the alliterative flow of Lang and letters.
Yes. Intrigue and mystery right off the bat.
Yes. Short, but I like the hint of voice and conflict. Nicely done
Yes. I'm intrigued enough to keep reading.
No. It didn't grab me.
Yes. Simple and intriguing.
No, not enough as a stand alone sentence. It may be that in combination with the next few sentences it turns out to grab, though.
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