TITLE: MOONDREAMER: The Sowing
GENRE: Upper YA Urban fantasy
My hearing may suffer for it tomorrow, but I can't resist dancing in front of the massive speakers.
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68 comments:
No. I like the idea, but the sentence feels clumsy to me. I also think the author is trying to cram too many ideas into that first line.
No. It's not ringing true. Do young adults ever think about whether their hearing will suffer?
No. It sounds a little awkward, and dancing in front of speakers? Not very specific. A crowd seems more normal.
Yes. I like a gal who isn't afraid to have some fun.
No. Sounds boring and uninteresting.
No.
No. The voice sounds forced.
No. Sounds like something someone wrote instead of a scene unfolding, if that makes sense.
Yes. It shows a lot about the character.
Yes. The person sounds like they're unwinding and wanting to forget their troubles for the night. I can relate to rocking out at a concert, too. I'd definitely read more.
No. Not enough information on the person. Simply adding in her perception of the consequence or a description of how dancing like this makes her *different* than she normally does would help.
No. Not interesting to me.
Yes. I can get behind hedonistic abandon.
No.
Started of okay, seemed like a build up to something. But then, massive speakers? Not interesting. I'm guessing this is a concert (only place I can think that would have massive speakers) which is probably what you should have showed us.
No. There's noting for me to care about here. Sure, I like music and dancing, but I want something that's more conflicting or world building. Why is the story starting here? From this line, I have no idea.
No... feels a bit clunky, and it doesn't quite follow its own logic for me -- if the character is in a moment of true abandon, why is he/she even thinking about tomorrow?
NO. Why should I care about the MC's hearing or the dancing in front of the speakers?
Yes, it works as first taste. Though the voice feels a little older than YA.
No. It doesn't pull me in.
No. I don't even know what this means. Will she be deaf tomorrow? How does she know this?
Yes. Mostly because I do the same thing so I already feel like I can relate to this character, which is important to me.
What? I can't hear you. Yes, because I can relate!
No, because I can't imagine someone worried about their hearing dancing in front of the speakers anyway.
No. Seems relatively normal and without conflict (loss of hearing is too ambiguous to be considered conflict.)
Yes. I wasn't crazy about "tomorrow" (overcomplicated it) but would read on.
Absolutely! I've been there so many times. I'm ready for line two. To be honest, there seems to be a lot of unnecessary hostility to this line that I don't get. Are you guys anti-hearing loss, anti-dancing, or just anti-great first lines?
No. I don't get a feel for MC at all, other than they like loud music. Not enough to keep going.
Yes, I relate to this character already!
No. Nice image but no conflict.
No. I'd look for a different first line.
No. Too much telling, not enough showing.
Yes
I like the imagery of the character.
No. Didn't pull me in. Just not enough to build intrigue.
No. Not sure why exactly, it just didn't pull me in.
No - doesn't really give me anything to go off of.
Yes. It lets me know that this person is smart enough to know the consequences, but young enough not to care. I want to know what else they're going to mess up besides their hearing and how they'll fix it.
No. Didn't peak my interest. Sorry.
Yes, I would keep reading. I want to know about this party!
No - worrying about hearing loss seems too adult.
Yes. I understand the setting, and a little about the person who loves to feel the beat of the music.
No. Nothing special about it, and I hate present tense.
No. I went back and forth on this one - there isn't anything wrong with it, it just doesn't grab me.
No.
Just mundane. Not hooked.
No. Awkward wording.
No, I don't think 'may suffer for it' sounds natural.
No. This seems like it's starting in the wrong spot.
No. More of a not yet. I feel like I can relate to this character, but I'm wary of present-tense stories, since it sometimes leads to shaky writing. You'd have the rest of the paragraph to get me, though.
YES! I can totally remember being at concerts and thinking "My ears will be ringing for days, but I don't care! WOO!" It totally gives a great image and picture of the character.
all you people talking about conflict, who needs conflict in the FIRST LINE? You have the whole rest of the book for that. Let the first line just draw you in! This totally does it for me :-)
Yes, because it made me giggle. I think the MC is silly and too-caught-up-in-the-moment, but I know and understand that feeling! Been there.
Yes, but take out the "tomorrow." Nothing I haven't done, I'm reading on. I relate.
No. Doesn't seem to direct the story towards anything meaningful.
No. I like the first half of the sentence, but nothing else really grabbed my attention. It fell flat.
no: sounds try hard
No. I'm not a huge fan of present-tense narration, and the sentence assumes I know a lot I don't know (like where she is and why she has the option to dance in front of the speakers). Might be best to stick one or two scene-setting sentences before this one.
No. Doesn't suggest a conflict, other than hearing loss. I don't care about the character yet so that isn't a very compelling problem.
No. Doesn't seem to jive with the genre.
No. I understand what you're trying to say, I can picture it, but it feels flat. The character's voice isn't really there yet.
Yes. A big yes from me. I love present tense, and I think the MC sounds mature and intelligent with a who-cares attitude in this moment--a good juxtaposition in the opening scene set-up.
No. My boys don't think about their hearing suffering, they just complain about the ringing in their ears the next day.
No.
I wavered. There's nothing really technically wrong with it, but it just didn't have enough hook to grab me. Average teen, average action, except the voice seemed a little too old and mismatched with the recklessness of dancing in front of the speakers.
No. SOmeone likes loud music. Not hooky.
No, but I'm not sure exactly why. It just doesn't draw me in.
No. This seems like a cliche thing for an MC to say and something we all thought as teens.
No. This doesn't give me anything interesting, just a normal basic teenage thought.
YES.
An MC who is willing to trash her ears for good music? What's not to like?
No.
No, doesn't grab me.
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