TITLE: SPARKLE
GENRE: YA Contemporary
During the homecoming football game, Kyle Baldwin asked me to the dance―last minute.
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68 comments:
No. Sorry but there's nothing here that would make me care about the MC or the dance.
No. This sounds boring, and it kind of puts me off that the MC is complaining right away.
No. It's awkward. I think I can figure out what the writer is trying to say, but I don't want to have to work that hard.
No. I feel like the fact that it's last minute is highly significant to the character, but I'm not sure why it should be to me.
No. I don't really understand the emphasis on last minute, and I don't know enough about Kyle Baldwin to make me wonder why he's so important that he should be mentioned in the first line of the story.
Yes. But barely. It is interesting enough to make me want to read more, although I don't understand the emphasis on 'last minute'.
No. It isn't very clear what is last minute.
No. But if the sentence was rearranged, it might be interesting.
No. A bit generic and boring.
No. I get what you are trying to say, but the sentence reads a little awkwardly, especially with the last minute tagged onto the end.
No. Don't know enough about the characters to care if he asked her to a dance.
No. The sentence is very poorly constructed which doesn't bode well for the rest of the story.
Yes.
Mostly because I don't want to say no. It's not bad, just not great. I think it needs voice. It's stiff, like she almost doesn't care.
No. Doesn't pull me in.
Yes. I'm going to be different, but I like that the MC is being asked last minute. Makes me wonder how the MC feels about it and where the story is going.
No -- there aren't really any details here that particularly hook me.
NO. I'm not invested in Kyle Baldwin or why he's asking her to the dance.
Yes. But only because it was last minute.
no, not enough at stake, even with the last minute invitation
No, the sentence reads clunkily. Clean it up, make it more direct, then yes.
No. It sounds like a false attempt at teen voice to me.
No. Nothing special and I don't understand the last minute part.
No. It's just an awkward sentence. I'd like to see more voice in it.
No, but only because it's clunky. The idea is good, just needs better delivery.
No. Not sure why I should care about this particular high school girl.
No, I'm not sure why 'last minute' matters. I think it would be more effective without her telling us it's last minute.
No. The voice would read entirely different too me if the initial clause was at the end with "last minute.' It's too formal for my tastes the way it is.
No. I don't feel the MC here. Nothing really 'grabby' for the lack of a better word.
No- the scene feels like its been done too many times before. Give me a unique aspect and THEN you'll have me.
No
I think if perhaps the emphasis was on the fact that he asked her to the dance too late for her to get properly ready instead of it being at the football game, it would be more catching.
No. Didn't seem interesting.
No. Sorry, but it sounds old hat.
No. Not enough substance to pull me in.
No. The "last minute" seems awkward. Didn't catch my interest.
Yes.
Last minute here actually makes me think that there was some reason behind it. That Kyle was either 1. too shy or... mortifying 2. his date cancelled on him.
If there isn't any conflict with Kyle later? Then I wouldn't use this as your opening sentence. Because that's what it leads me to believe, and hope for.
Yes, only because I want to know more about this boy that asked her out.
Yes but this could be much stronger. The last minute feels awkward.
No,the voice isn't clear to me.
No. The construction of the sentence is confusing. Did he ask her in the last minute of the game, was he asking her at the last possible moment before she accepted someone else, was...????
No. Rather hear more about her longing for him to ask her, or longing for him not to ask her, before we get to this place.
No. "Last minute" I would think should be "at the last minute," and the moment it took me to figure out what that was supposed to mean lost me. It wasn't attention grabbing enough to survive that second of confusion.
No. I think you should lose the italics on last minute. I felt like I should shout those words or something.
No. So what that it is last minute. What does that have to do with anything?
No.
Too much typical YA here for me in one place - football, homecoming, dance, last minute, etc.
No, just not interesting enough for me.
No. No contect for the "last minute", making it sound out of place.
No. Just doesn't grab me.
No. This does not inspire me to care about the narrator, the boy, or the dance.
No. Last minute, first minute--what's the difference? I think it would have grabbed me and been a yes, had "--last minute." not been there, because it would have opened up possibilities.
No. She sounds whiny, stuck-up, and unable to adjust.
Yes. I want to know more about the last minute part and how it all came to be and what happened.
Yes. I sense conflict already, and I'm curious about the last minute part. I want to know more about the voice and the character. However, "last minute" does feel a bit abrupt.
Yes, but the phrasing is awkward. I'd cut the "during the homecoming football game" part, and save it for the second sentence. But it sounds like something has happened that means something to the speaker.
No, boring set up
Yes--but only because I'm interested to see what she has to say. The phrasing is awkward and, I think, emphasizes the wrong things. Most teenage girls are going to know that asking her to the dance DAY OF is horribly neglectful. Perhaps if you started with some sense of who Kyle is--her best friend? Secret crush? Lab partner? Is he a nerd or a jock? Is he someone she would normally want to go out with? Had she been hoping he would ask her? Using both his names suggests that they weren't close.
No. The sentence construction is awkward. It would be better if you could include her reaction to being asked last minute.
Yes. I agree with Robin's comments above. I want to know who the MC feels about Kyle. Why is his asking her, and last minute, signficant?
No. For the genre, I would need more to read further. The narrator's reaction to begin with.
No. I know homecoming is important, I know at the last minute is - well rude - but cause for panic, but I don't know how I should feel about Kyle Baldwin. Or the protag. That she didn't already have a date means what?
Yes, because I like the idea of opening with the MC in a panic. She won't even have time to put on a dress or do her hair, going straight from the game to the dance, right? But maybe characterize Kyle as a "last minute man" instead of using the italicized phrase at the end, and get some of her outright panic across to bring us in more emotionally.
Yes. Sets up the question of how she feels about being asked last minute and that makes me curious enough about the MC to read on.
No.
The syntax is a little awkward, and I'm having trouble relating to the significance of Kyle asking her last minute.
Yes. Sounds like conflict to me. I'm ready to read this novel right now, actually.
No. It's been done a million times.
No. I know it's the genre and so it's normal, but I'm not feeling it. There are too many stories out here like this one.
No, sorry. It's just too cliche.
Yes.
No, bit confusing.
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