TITLE: THE WRITE WAY HOME
GENRE: MG
The instant Mama clipped the rosebud, I knew we were leaving, maybe for good.
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85 comments:
YES. I get voice and mystery in one sentence. Why is Mama clipping a rosebud and why does that mean they're leaving? Why are they leaving? Where are they going?
YES. Voice is certainly there and there is instantly questions provoking me to read on.
Yes. This evokes imagery and tells me immediately there's a story.
No. Sounds twee immediately. Also pun in the title, sailors take warning.
Yes. I like the voice, and I immediately have questions.
Yes. Hints at conflict and promises well-developed characters.
Yes. The voice tells me alot about the character and I want to know what the connection between the rosebud and leaving are.
Yes. Simple with lots of intrigue. I want more.
No. Although it's original, it lacks voice or personality.
Yes. Like the voice here and the imagery of finality the clipping the bush brings.
No. Mainly because I don't see how the rosebud is connected to leaving. Just sounds odd to me.
Yes. I am very intrigued. If I picked this book up at the store, I would have to keep reading.
No. I don't have any specifics about where they are leaving and the significance of the rosebud.
Yes -- this line hints at several intriguing questions I'm curious to know the answers to.
Yes. I want to know why they are leaving there has to be a story behind it.
Yes. I want to know the significance of the connection.
No. I think this would've been stronger without the "maybe for good" part.
Yes. It immediately evokes a feeling of loss, and the way it's written makes me feel like the MC doesn't want to leave.
YES. i want to know what the rosebud has to do with leaving
Yes. I like the voice.
Yes, because I want know qhyclipping the bud means they're leaving.
YES! Love this. The voice is melancholy, the rosebud has some meaning, otherwise why would they take it with them--makes me want to read MORE!
Yes. Sounds like it is from the south and charming.
Yes. I would at least finish the paragraph to see where it was going.
Yes. I liked that you use the act of clipping a rosebud to show that our narrator and his/her mama are leaving.
Yes. I like the mysterious beginning and want to know what happens.
No. To me it doesn't give enough info.
Yes. I don't like the combination of I knew & maybe but I still like this.
Yes. I don't like the combination of I knew & maybe but I still like this.
Yes. Though I'm on the fence. I know immediately this is a 'coming-of-age' and I have a soft spot for 'hero tries to find a home' stories. I'd read on to see where this is going.
Yes, the imagery is powerful, and the tension is present immediately
Yes. This immediately tells me there's something big happening for the mc. There's some significance to the rosebud and I want to know what it is.
Yes. Immediate conflict and portrayal of the main character as a child.
Yes. A sensitive way to begin that even reveals a bit about character.
Yes, great intrigue and I would keep reading simply because of the missing connection.
Yes, even though the word "Mama" invoked the icky-sweet Little House on the Prairie genre ( I wasn't an icky-sweet kind of girl). But the child knowing what the rosebud meant intrigued me.
Yes. I want to know why they'd be clipping off unopened flowers, instead of good ones.
Yes. I want to know what the rose has to do with the MC leaving.
Yes,
I'm interested to know why they are leaving.
Yes, intriguing, plus I like the voice.
Yes. Presents an imminent situation,although the opening tone suggests possibly more mature than MG.
Yes. Great voice.
Yes, I'm interested enough to read more.
Yes. I would take out "maybe".
Yes. Not the sort of voice I would normally be interested in, but the sentence left me with enough questions to read on.
Yes. I wouldn't really like it if it was geared towards YA, but as a MG first line, it's good.
Yes. Sensitive and intriguing, I want to read more.
Yes. You communicate a lot in these few words and open up much to be curious about.
Yes. A bit of mystery and voice. I'd read on.
Yes. The imagery with the rosebud is intriguing and provides tension.
Yes. I liked this. I'd read more.
Yes. Just enough to make me want to know more.
Yes. While I feel the sentence goes on too long, I'm curious as to why the clipping of the rosebud means they're leaving, and I wonder what they're leaving.
Yes, I want to know more about the significance of this action.
Yes. It makes you want where they are going, and what a rosebud has to do with it.
Yes.
Like the idea of knowing something is going to happen from something as innocent as clipping a rose.
Yes. Definatley. Love the voice and tone. I would read on to see what happens.
Yes. This small, yet sensitive observation leaves me thinking your MC will be likeable enough for me to follow.
No. It's a soft no, so I'd give you the rest of the paragraph to win me, but you don't have me yet.
Yes. I'm intrigued by what these two things have to do with each other.
Yes. I like the imagery, and I'm already comfortable with the character's voice.
Yes. Love the emotion and the voice. I get a sense of character already. Nicely done.
Yes. The line is lovely and tender. I know the narrator is perceptive and that his/her life is about to change.
No, but that's about my tastes, not your writing. The imagery is good, the mood of sadness is clear, and the voice shines through, but it's a voice that points to the kind of story I wouldn't choose to read.
Yes! The voice pulls me right in, there's action and feeling and imagery. As a first sentence, the reader knows the main character's life is about to change.
Yes. Suggests a poignant beginning and makes me wonder why they're leaving and where they're going.
No. Sounds a little depressing for a MG book.
Yes, but cautiously. I'm not a fan of the "we're moving" start to books, so I'm hoping there's more to it than that.
Yes, but like Robin, cautiously. I'd definitely read on, but the turn of the story can make or break it for me.
Yes. Lovely literary style and voice.
Yes. I agree with others, though, and would take out "maybe for good." The sentence is crisper without it.
Yes. But clipped seems like a strange word to use. I saw her pruning the rose bush with this word, whereas I think you're trying to tell me she cut the rosebud off the bush?
Yes. It tells u so much without saying a lot. You know MC is a child. You know dhe is used to her mother picking up
And leaving. Not so much that the rosebud is important but she knows her mothers actions and what they tell her as a child"maybe for good" this time. I think that says a lot. She shouldnt get rid of it.
Yes.
The line gives me just enough information to want specific answers: where and why are they going, and what part does the rosebud play?
Yes. I like the voice and want to know more.
Yes. Makes me want to know where they are going and why cutting the rose is a symbol to the MC that they are moving on. Who does that rose belong to and why is it important?
Yes. I have no idea what dipping the rosebud means and I want to know. NIce language!
No. It's too sweet for me. The 'mama' thing was too much.
No. Doesn't make sense to me.
Yes. I want to know why this signals they're leaving.
Yes. I want to know why he/she knew this. I like the voice.
Yes.
Yes. I want to know more of why h/she knows they're leaving based on a rosebud clipping.
Yes, assuming the next sentences are good.
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