TITLE: Yellow-bellied Wussy Loser
GENRE: MG Humorous Adventure
Danny has been swept up in a plot to kidnap Punxsutawney Phil, the famous groundhog. In this scene, Danny intends to slyly replace the sleeping groundhog with a stuffed animal while his partner runs interference.
I held my breath and inched my hands closer and closer and eased my fingers up against his fur. He wasn’t as soft as I had expected. His hairs were a little pokey, as if petting a soft warm broom. I smiled. He felt nice.
Then blip, Phil’s angry head popped up. He bared his sharp rabid teeth, whistled some sort of sacred rodent attack signal, and galloped up my arms. Paralyzed with fear, I watched the eyes roll back in his head, like Jaws does before he bites a surfer’s face off. But Phil flew past my head, across my back, launching onto the tree trunk behind me.
I finally broke through the frozen terror and stood up. Then I was stuck again trying to figure out if I should scream like a four-year-old or just ball up in the fetal position and suck my thumb.
Before I could decide, Phillip Zezinka screeched, “ARRRGGHH! He’s awake, run for your life!” He dropped the squeegee and zipped across the aquarium, diving through the open hatch and clanging it shut.
I stood there completely shocked out of my own fear by two thoughts. First, Phillip Zezinka turned out to be quite the wuss himself. Second, why wasn't I following his lead?
The spectators on the outside of the glass caught my attention as they slapped each other with laughter and pointed up at the tree trunk. I looked up to see Punxsutawney Phil plunge into a flying squirrel, kamikaze jump.
It's a clever idea for a story. It might be a little more effective to break the moments up a bit to give the writer (and MC) a chance to react. For instance: " Paralyzed with fear, I watched the eyes roll back in his head, like Jaws does before he bites a surfer’s face off. But Phil flew past my head, across my back, launching onto the tree trunk behind me." Instead of just saying "paralyzed with fear" You could build up the scene more as the MC watches the groundhog prepare to attack. Describe more about his internal feelings.
ReplyDeleteI like the description and your active humorous word choice. But I would like to have a more visual experience of what the characters in the scenes reactions are. Maybe it is the nature of the needle drop but I don't have a good feel for what positions people are in and what their physical reactions are to the rabid G-hog. I think you can paint a better picture with your word choice.
ReplyDelete"I finally broke through the frozen terror and stood up" These are good descriptive words, but the only action is standing up.
If you go less with a description on the MC thoughts and more his and those around the MC's actions I think it'll give it more punch!
I was sucked in, it doesn't need massive changes.
wish i had more of the setting, hard to picture, but thats probably in the previous section.
ReplyDeletei like the premise and the scene. the plan doesnt sound very thought out, but they are kids...
great descriptive words and phrases, especially "flying squirrel kamikaze jump!"
Okay, so I laughed ! Rewriting (taking into consideration the above points made by others) should take care of problems.
ReplyDelete**Here is one place IMO where a participle could work well**I heldHolding my breath, and I inched my hands closer and closer and eased my fingers up against his fur. He wasn’t as soft as I’d had expected. His hairs were a little pokey, as if petting a soft warm broom. I smiled. He felt nice.
ReplyDeleteThen blip, Phil’s angry head popped up. He bared his sharp rabid teeth, whistled some sort of sacred rodent attack signal, and galloped up my arms.
NP Paralyzed with (fear)**describe how the fear felt**, I watched the eyes roll back in his head, like Jaws does before he bites a surfer’s face off. Nice description
But NP Phil flew past my head, across my back, launching onto the tree trunk behind me.
I finally broke through the frozen (terror)*More visceral reaction would be better* and stood up. Then I was stuck again trying to figure out if I should I wanted to scream like a four-year-old or just ball up in the fetal position and suck my thumb.
Before I could decide, (Phillip Zezinka screeched,)**move behind dialogue** “ARRRGGHH! He’s awake, run for your life!” He dropped the squeegee and zipped across the aquarium, diving through the open hatch and clanging it shut.
I stood there completely shocked out of my own fear by two thoughts).**this is a lot of telling, better describe what he felt/thought First, Phillip Zezinka turned out to be quite the wuss himself. Second, But why wasn't I following his lead?
The spectators on the outside of the glass caught my attention as they slapped each other with laughter and pointed up at the tree trunk.
NP I looked up to see Punxsutawney Phil plunge into a flying squirrel, kamikaze jump.
I tried to use track changes. Didn't work too well. Hope this is helpful anyway
Blessings,
I'm not sure which excerpt I am supposed to comment on? Is the above a rewrite of your piece? I don't get it. I found the above comment (if that is what it is) to be incomprehensible. We are not doing line-edits are we?
ReplyDeleteVery cute idea! Overall I enjoyed it. I really like how he thinks all is going well, then suddenly Phil turns into a monster-groundhog!
ReplyDeleteMy one suggestion would be to change the line "Then I was struck again trying to figure out if I should scream like a four-year-old or just ball up in the fetal position and suck my thumb." It feels a little slowing that he stops to consider these as the only two options. Consider making it something more active like "I swallowed a scream and fought the urge to suck my thumb like a four-year-old," but waaaaaay better :).
Again, great job and very cute!
It's a fun scene. Kids messing with a cute animal who's not so sweet after all. Classic.
ReplyDeleteI was thrown by him caling the teeth rabid - surely the groundhog literally does not have rabies? Or maybe Phillip telling people to run for their lives means he does... in which case, how did the MC know and why did he still try to handle this animal?