TITLE: Smarter Than the Average Werewolf
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
Smarter Than the Average Werewolf is the first in a projected series of hard-boiled supernatural mystery novels featuring Harvey Drago, Intangible Private Eye. Harvey, whose power as well as his curse is the ability to become physically insubstantial, is hired to track down a serial killer who turns out to be a werewolf. A secret government agency and a criminal syndicate are also engaged in the lycanthrope hunt through Nashville, Tennessee that reaches its climax inside the Parthenon in Nashville's Centennial Park. In this scene, Harvey and his friends are accosted by Police Detective Manning, whom Harvey suspects of being the werewolf he's hunting. Manning reacts rather strongly to being prevented from beating the tar out of one of Harvey's friends.
I went to the door, turned the knob and stumbled back. Manning rushed in, waving his gun.
"You a******s are all under arrest!" he shouted.
"Blow me, Manning," I said. "On what charge?"
"Harboring a fugitive." He pointed the gun at Big Stoop. "That son-of-a-b**** assaulted a police officer."
I looked around. "Did you assault a police officer, Stoop?"
"I don't know what that means," he said.
"The bastard damn near broke my arm!"
"Both your arms are working fine," I said.
Big Stoop pointed at the detective. "He's the one who hurt the Professor, Harvey."
I gave Manning the hairy eyeball. "You need to put that gun away. You're already in a s***-load of trouble, a*****e."
"For what? Nobody's going to believe that big stupid son-of-a-b****."
"I am," I said. "I don't give a rat's a** who's behind you, but you can't get away with this bulls***."
"You're wrong, Drago," Manning waved the gun around, holding it in both hands. It was jerking around so much I couldn't get a clear look at his fingers. "Get out of my way. I'm going to shoot that bastard for trying to pull my arm loose from its G**-d****d socket."
"No, you're not." Manning spun around. Amy Marten stood in the doorway, leaning on the jamb. Her dress was dark green. The scarf around her neck was a slighter lighter shade. "You're going to get out of here right now," she said. "Go home. I'll talk to you in the morning."
The premise seems interesting, and the first part of the excerpt had me. But, the language started to become a hindrance, and I lost the emotion of the scene. I'm no stranger to cursing and fully believe that if it's part of a character's voice, it should be used. However, in this case, it felt more over-the-top than fitting.
ReplyDeleteThat's just my two cents, though. Good luck!
I agree that the language started getting in the way. Probably only about 1/2 of the profanity was necessary.
ReplyDelete"Hairy eyeball" jumped out at me as a term I was unfamiliar with. Will your readers understand it?
Overall though, it's a very intense scene and I liked it.
Point taken. I'll curb the potty-mouth.
ReplyDeleteHairy eyeball is one of those peculiar Southernisms added for regional flavor. I'd hate for anyone to mistake Nashville for New York. Not that I have anything against New York. :) Any town with two baseball teams is okay in my book.
Thanks, ya'll.
I liked the passage and agree on the profanity (some of it was fine).
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that bothered me was the description of the dress and the scarf. It just didn't feel like it belonged.
Thanks, New Girl. That description in that place would make sense if you'd seen more of the story. One can do only so much with 250 words. :) I rarely describe characters or clothes without a compelling reason.
ReplyDeleteGood, clean writing. I have to agree with others about the profanity, to some extent. Actually, I think it would work just fine if one of the characters swore a lot (let's say Manning), because then I'd see it as characterization. With both Manning and the MC cursing up a storm, it's less a character trait than it is the author self-consciously injecting a lot of raw language for affect. Just my opinion.
ReplyDeleteThe description of Amy's outfit also stuck out for me, but I believe you when you say there's a reason for it. If there weren't, it would be a very odd place for such a thing. ;)
Thanks, Meghan. I was thinking the same thing about Manning, and have amended the MS so. I think there was a testosterone surge in the neighborhood when I wrote it and I got caught up in the machismo maelstrom.
ReplyDeleteThe salient point about Amy's ensemble isn't the dress, it's the scarf, but you have to wait until the sequel for a full explanation.
;)
There's a lot of intensity and conflict in this scene. That's always good. I see a few places where you could tighten thing up.
ReplyDeleteNo biggie, but the "he shouted" is probably not necessary. I don't think there's any other way for Manning to rush into a room and deliver this particular line (and the reader knows it's his line from the previous paragraph).
Be careful of embedding character names in dialogue too frequently. People rarely talk that way. To me, "Blow me," I said. "On what charge?" works better here. No need for the character's name.
The above suggestion makes more sense when you reach this bit: I looked around. "Did you assault a police officer, Stoop?"
Did the protag really look around or did he look at Stoop? My guess is that he looked at Stoop. So, because you've embedded Stoop in the dialogue you can't use it to clarify the beat. Consider: I looked at Stoop (or you could throw in a nice telling detail about Stoop--a description). "Did you assault a police officer?"
"I gave Manning the hairy eyeball." I know what you mean because I try to do these types of things myself, but they tend to backfire. Here, I pictured a hairy eyeball in Harvey's hand before I processed that it was a stylistic thing. What I'm now doing in my own work is choosing clarity over cute. Reconsider.
I feel hypocritical for saying this (since I have a minor character that swears about every time he opens his mouth), but some of the swearing here felt gratuitous. Sorry. It didn't seem to add to the tension or the characters. You might consider taking out one or two.
That's it. Tighten this up and you'll do fine.
Good luck.
I liked this and the swearing didn't bother me. I thought it suited the characters, especially the cop.
ReplyDeleteDo you have to have a 'slighter and lighter shade'? Maybe just one of them wouldread better.
The rest, I liked.
I wasn't too bothered by the language but I do think it would be improved with a little less. Curious about the scarf business but I guess I'll have to wait like everyone else! Overall I think this moves forward nicely and has interesting characters.
ReplyDeleteThanks, everyone. The scarf should have been a slightLY lighter shade - thanks for catching that, Trish. :) I think I've corrected all the other points - less, cussing, the looking around conundrum, restrain on name-dropping, etc., etc., etc. I'm also rethinking the whole hairy eyeball thing. Good points all, and most helpful.
ReplyDelete